At Heaven's Gate
by master of toast
Summary: Not all angels go to heaven. Not all fathers love their sons. Not all memories can be forgotten. abuse, character death, implied painkiller addiction, no pairing. happy ending. written already and will be posted all at once. random youtube links listen to
1. prologue

AT HEAVEN'S GATE

i.

Tamaki sighed happily and leaned his head against his friend's shoulder. Kyouya smiled a bit and adjusted Tamaki's head so that it rested against his shoulder more comfortably. Haruhi sat on Kyouya's other side smiling and watching the cherry blossoms. The flowers had just bloomed and everyone wanted to see them as they would only be around for a short time.

"Sad that they have to fall so soon," Haruhi said suddenly. Kyouya nodded and stared at the blossoms he loved.

"All beauty is fleeting; just take a look at these cherry blossoms. You'll never be able to see them this vibrant again," he said with a distant look in his eyes.

"But they'll bloom again next year, right?" Tamaki asked.

"You don't know that. They could die and there wouldn't be any way to stop it."


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Kyouya stared out the window with dead eyes. It was the day before Christmas break at Ouran, and the Host Club was filled to the brim with giggling girls.

Kyouya's breath became a light steam against the window as he stared out into the courtyard. The central fountain was laden with waterproof Christmas lights and holly branches. A large Christmas tree had been placed on the side of the courtyard; its twinkling lights provided the only light in the dark space beneath the third music room. There was a snowstorm on the way and the dark clouds were blocking all the light. Kyouya smirked. _Just the way I like it._ He turned back to his customers with a fake smile.

"So tell me, are you lovely ladies participating in the school concert tomorrow night?"

One of his most timid clients shuffled her feet and adjusted the folds of her dress.

"I am, Kyouya-san," said the girl blushed.

"Really? I'm sure you'll do fantastically," Kyouya replied. He was used to girls like this one. They brought in a lot of profit for little effort. One smile could make them faint. Behind his glasses his eyes shimmered. He tipped his head to the side and his glasses glared, effectively hiding his eyes from the world. He brushed his black hair away from his face. As the girl launched into a discussion about what kind of flute cleaner was best, Kyouya looked over to where Haruhi was sitting. He recalled how they had come to have the young cross-dresser in the host club. He smirked as he remembered how she had broken a valuable vase and been drafted into the club to pay for it. No one outside the club knew that she was a girl; her short hair and male uniform hid her true identity. And despite the fact that she had paid off her debt, she had chosen to stay at the club. Somehow, everyone had become friends at some point.

"Kyouya-senpai? Are you playing anything for the concert?" asked another girl.

Kyouya turned to her with his eyes hidden by his glasses. His face was a mask giving him the impression of perfect happiness. But beneath the surface of his complexion Kyouya's mind was reeling. It was the eve of the fourth anniversary of the worst day of his life. For years prior to that day Kyouya's mom had died-

On the way to his concert.

Kyouya remembered how she'd insisted on coming to his concert to hear him play the violin. He tried to convince her that it wasn't a big deal, but she come anyway. On the short ride to the school, a car had sped through a light and slammed into the back of the limo. Kyouya had barely survived with major injuries but his mother had died in the crash. His father, who had a short temper when it came to his own family, began to drink heavily. Sometimes he'd get angry and—

"Senpai?" Kyouya was yanked from his thoughts. He noted that Haruhi was now standing among his customers.

"I haven't played an instrument publicly in years. However, I will be attending the concert. How could one pass up a chance to hear beautiful music played by beautiful ladies?" he said with his most dazzling smile. One of his customers fainted as he finished speaking and Haruhi leaned down to help.

"Yumi-san? Yumi-san? Are you ok?" she questioned. The remainder of his customers began to squeal over how thoughtful 'Haruhi-kun' was. They flirted with girls for hours on ends and never complained. The girls fell for them left and right. Kyouya repressed a chuckle. As the girls dispersed about the room he sat rigidly in his seat and watched the goings-on of the club. The twins, Hikaru and Kaoru, were playing up the brotherly love act and pulling pranks as usual. Mori, the taciturn senior, and Hunny, the diminutive senior who loved all things cute, were eating cake and hosting for a group of giggling girls. Haruhi was lounged in a chair beside him. This left Tamaki with the bulk of the customers. Kyouya decided to give Tamaki a break.

"Tamaki, why don't you play part of your concert piece?" he called. Tamaki's eyes lit up and he brushed his blond hair out of his eyes.

"Sure!" The enthusiasm in his voice was enough to make Kyouya smile. His best friend could be so dramatic at times. Tamaki leapt to his feet and darted over to the third music room's piano.

HYPERLINK ".com/watch?v=L9RWzGH8XqQ" .com/watch?v=L9RWzGH8XqQ

He started playing almost immediately. It was a melancholy song filled with hope and joy, yet with an indescribable underlying sadness. The room was stunned to silence as he played. Even the twins paused in the midst of their prank to listen. Kyouya's mind drifted back to the first time he'd heard Tamaki play. He'd been moved to tears by the lovely sound. He closed his eyes and let the music surround him. And for a moment the music was his only tether to reality. For a moment the music made the pain go away. That was why he liked Tamaki. Tamaki gave him an escape from reality and a chance to be himself. Kyouya knew that Tamaki had saved his life in one way or another. He knew that he would have lost himself had it not been for his best friend.

"Beautiful isn't it?" Haruhi said lightly.

Kyouya's voice was soft as he replied, "Yes, it really is."

"You used to play an instrument right?" she questioned. He tipped his head and the glare on his glasses hid his eyes.

"Yes. Why do you ask?" he said slowly.

"Will you play something with Tamaki?"

Kyouya didn't reply for a moment and Haruhi thought he hadn't heard. She opened her mouth to ask again but he held up a hand to stop her.

"I suppose it wouldn't hurt," he said softly. He walked over to a storage closet and returned with an old violin and its case. Tamaki looked over and saw what he was holding.

"Kyouya, you play violin!" he said excitedly. Kyouya nodded and motioned for Tamaki to start playing again.

Tamaki smiled happily and began playing a sad tune.

HYPERLINK ".com/watch?v=totERfiKZmI" .com/watch?v=totERfiKZmI

Tamaki played quietly in the background while Kyouya played the melody. The song was very sad. It spoke of loss and of isolation. It spoke of wandering aimlessly searching for something that can't be attained. It spoke of lies and of pain. Once again Kyouya closed his eyes and pretended that everything was perfect. He pretended that he wasn't still sore from what his father had done to him just days before. He pretended that the bandages wrapped around his chest were just for decoration. He pretended that he would come home to a happy smile and that he would go to bed feeling safe and loved. But most of all he pretended that his mother was sitting in the room listening to him play.

He heard scattered sobs as he and Tamaki finished the song. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity he opened his eyes. The girls that had massed around the piano were crying quietly.

"Oh Kyouya-senpai, Tamaki-senpai, you play so beautifully..." sighed one of the girls. Kyouya gave the girls a cold smile and placed the violin on a table. Tamaki rushed over to him.

"Kyouya! Mon ami! Mon ami! You're so talented!" he said cheerfully. Kyouya smiled indulgently.

Then Tamaki did something unexpected: he threw his arms around Kyouya in a friendly embrace. Kyouya gasped and stayed perfectly still in Tamaki's arms. Waves of pain shot through his body. He felt a wound on his shoulder reopen. Tamaki squeezed him tighter. Kyouya whimpered unintentionally and Tamaki released him.

"Oh, sorry Kyouya. I didn't mean to squeeze you so hard," Tamaki said. He couldn't have imagined the pain he'd accidentally inflicted on his best friend.

"It's ok." Kyouya said roughly. "But you'd better not squeeze me so hard next time."

Kyouya wanted to hurt Tamaki for putting him through that but he couldn't bring himself to do anything. He turned back to put the violin away only to find that Haruhi was plucking the strings quietly.

"You play very well, Kyouya," she said with a smile.

"Thank you."

She lifted the violin and handed it to him. "You should keep this."

He held it in his hands and caressed the smooth wood with his fingers. "It's not mine."

He flipped it over and spied a name scrawled across the back.

"Heiji Sato," Haruhi read. Kyouya flipped through the mental files in his head and smirked.

"Heiji Sato graduated years ago. I've done business with him," he declared. "In that case—"

"It's yours now," Haruhi finished.

Kyouya tipped his head to the side once again and hid behind the glare of his glasses. He nodded and walked away only to find a group of giggling girls surrounding Haruhi. She glanced at him with exhaustion evident in her eyes. She wanted a break from the girls, too. He waved the twin over.

"Pretend to hurt yourself, Kaoru. Hikaru play up the twin brotherly love. Haruhi needs a break," he ordered. The twins smiled devilishly.

"It'll cost you," they said in unison. Kyouya smirked.

"I'll give you one of Haruhi's pencils."

"Deal."

Hikaru had quite the crush on Haruhi if he was willing to distract people for a pencil.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

HYPERLINK ".com/watch?v=axvURSawgcA" .com/watch?v=axvURSawgcA

Kyouya stared at the bruises splashed across his body. His father's latest work. He reached up to trace a gash that cut across his chest and grimaced. The wounds were a few days old and they still stung. He looked at his reflection in the mirror of his bathroom and decided that the scars that crisscrossed on his chest resembled a spider web.

"Just what I needed," he said sarcastically. He readjusted his glasses and pushed his raven hair out of his eyes. _I need to get dressed. _His shirt lay on the counter beside his marble sink. He was going to hide his pain behind fine silk and cashmere just as he always did.

Kyouya was the third son of Yoshio Ohtori and Kame Ohtori. His family was on top of Japan's medical and financial world and he had every material good he could ever want. But he was still miserable and broken. His elder brothers were bound to take what he wanted most— his father's company— and his sister was off living happily ever after with her new husband. But most devastating of all, his mother was dead and his father blamed him for it. He had few, if any, reasons to live. The only things that kept him going were his friends and his stubbornness.

He grabbed a bag of makeup from a nearby shelf and began to cover the bruises on his face. It took at least ten minutes to get a natural color that matched his skin-tone. He glared at his reflection. _This is my fault. If I were perfect I wouldn't be standing here doing this._

He practiced his smile. It looked forced and unnatural. He tried again with no success. His eyes just looked pained and cold. He tipped his head to catch the light on his glasses. A harsh glare covered the lenses and he smiled again. He was like the fancy jackets he wore: elegant on the outside but ugly on the inside.

He grabbed his shirt and tugged it over his head angrily. The rough material scraped painfully against his sore skin causing him to grit his teeth and scowl. He cast one final look at the figure in the mirror as he left his bathroom. He slipped up the stairs into his main room. He sat down on his bed and stared around at the modern-living-space that he called his room. His room was practically an apartment; all it lacked was a kitchen. He sighed and reached over to his desk. He grabbed his notebook and flipped open to that day's entries. It was December eighteenth, the fourth anniversary of his mother's death. His mind flashed back to the car crash she'd died in.

...

"_Kyouya-kun, I insist. It's first semester concert night."_

"_It's ok, Mom. You don't have to come."_

"_No dear, I have to come because I love you."_

...

"_Mom! Are you ok!? Mom, answer me!" He turned his fiery gaze to the man who'd caused the car accident. "Get me an ambulance! NOW!"_

...

He shook his head. _Ohtoris don't get emotional. Calm down._

He scanned the names on his business list for that day and pulled out his cell phone. He dialed his phone expertly without looking at the key pad. A young secretary answered on the other end.

"Hello?" she said softly.

"Hello, this is Kyouya Ohtori calling for Mr. Shiratori. Is he at his desk?"

He spent an hour working on his business deals and made a total of six thousand dollars. It was actually a really slow day. He was about to take a break when he heard heavy footsteps in the hall. He froze and listened in complete silence. The footsteps passed his door, paused, then continued down the hall. Kyouya took a deep breath. He knew that to even see his father could be a fatal mistake.

He couldn't sit still. And so he found himself staring out the window. His yard was soggy and dark from a sleet storm that had plagued the town for weeks. The clouds blocked out nearly all the light and the ground was a soupy mess of mud and ice. The wind blew in sudden gusts that sent stray objects across streets. Only the stupid dared to venture out. He turned back to the bed and lounged back on it, only to sit bolt upright again at the sound of footsteps.

He would've panicked had he not heard Tamaki yell "Kyouya!" He picked out the voices of his friends as they rushed down his hallway. He heard his best friend Tamaki's voice first. He could hear the eccentric blond charging down the hall with the rest of the hosts. The footsteps stopped at his door and he heard the click of the lock in his door as Tamaki used his key to get in.

Tamaki was one of three people besides Kyouya with a key to the room. The other two were Tachibana, a kindhearted family bodyguard who helped him after his father's 'punishments', and his father, who had stolen Kyouya's key to make a copy. This had rendered the lock nearly useless but Kyouya knew that in an emergency it would give him a few extra seconds to prepare himself.

"Kyouya! We're going to the movies!" Tamaki squealed. His cheeks were red with excitement. The twins proceeded to leap into Kyouya's bed and bounce about in an attempt to make him stand. Hunny ran over as well and pulled at his sleeve.

"Come on, Kyo-chan, we need to get there early!" he cried. His big childlike eyes gleamed. Mori scooped Hunny into his arms and hefted him onto his shoulders.

"Takashi, Kyo-chan won't move..." Hunny wailed to Mori. Tamaki and Haruhi stood awkwardly at the foot of Kyouya's bed. Tamaki's eyes were begging him to come. The raven-haired sophomore stayed still with the glare of his glasses hiding his eyes.

He knew he needed to leave the house if he wanted to be safe but he wasn't sure he could handle a day with the hosts. After all, it was December eighteenth. He had planned on visiting his mother's grave in hopes of reminding himself of the things he'd begun to forget about her. He had forgotten how she laughed and how she smiled, along with other things. He didn't remember what color her eyes were. But he knew he couldn't tell his friends about any of _that_. That was an Ohtori thing and it was not for anyone else to know. He decided that it would be best to go along with the hosts.

"Fine," he said after a pause. He grabbed his jacket off the chair and pulled it on. He went to take his cell-phone only to find that Tamaki was holding it.

"Don't bring your phone," Tamaki said. His voice was suddenly very serious. Kyouya thought nothing of the sadness in his best friend's voice. Tamaki was prone to mood swings. He grabbed the phone from Tamaki's hand.

"I need to have it with me at all times," he replied stoically. The others moved to stand behind the unusually serious blond.

"You never have time for us anymore. You're always on your phone or writing in your notebook," Tamaki complained. It was true. Kyouya did spend a lot of his time on the phone, but he _had_ to; all Ohtoris did. He needed to be useful to his father. He was a tool and he had no choice.

"I have to," he said softly.

"But it's not fair! I miss you!" Tamaki wailed. _So that's why Tamaki was so happy to play music for those girls. He wanted to spend time with me._

"Tamaki, it's not my decision."

"It's your father's decision." Everyone was shocked to hear Mori speak. They knew that he never said anything unless it was very important— and very true.

"Kyouya, your father's putting too much pressure on you!" Tamaki's voice rose in volume and octave as he spoke. He was getting more adamant with each word.

"Talk dream-speak in your dreams." Kyouya said coldly. "I'm fine and I _will_ be bringing my phone with me."

"What's more important to you: us or your father?" Tamaki asked. He wanted more time with his best friend and that meant that Kyouya had to step away from his work for a little bit. Kyouya tipped his head and the glare of his glasses hid his eyes. He took a deep breath.

"My father."

Tamaki's eyes went huge. He didn't have a choice. His father had everything he wanted and there was nothing he could do about it. His father owned the company, and unfortunately, held the key to his survival. One false step could be fatal.

"Kyouya..." Tamaki's voice trailed off and tears welled up in his eyes.

"I don't have a choice, Tamaki. You know I care for you." Kyouya couldn't bear Tamaki's expression. It was heartbreaking. He squeezed his eyes closed and prepared himself. "Hikaru, take my phone."

He handed his phone to Hikaru and turned to Tamaki. "We can drop my phone off at Hikaru and Kaoru's house on our way. We can eat dinner at their house afterwards as well. Ok?"

Tamaki perked up. "Ok."


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

HYPERLINK ".com/watch?v=r2ZiQy_zNAA" .com/watch?v=r2ZiQy_zNAA

-**OR THIS LINK, YOUR CHOICE-** HYPERLINK ".com/watch?v=x97f-_y93a0" .com/watch?v=x97f-_y93a0

Tamaki's happy smile lit the room as he led the hosts out of Ohtori manor. Kyouya fell into step beside Haruhi as they walked down the streets.

"Hi, Kyouya-senpai," she said sweetly. He nodded to acknowledge her presence. She looked out across the road at the nearby mansions and frowned.

"There's nearly half a mile between houses… It must have been weird growing up here," she said quietly.

"Not really," He replied.

"But there must not have been many kids around. It must have been hard to make friends," Haruhi said innocently. Kyouya cringed as he remembered how he'd been forced to play with the stuck up children his father chose for him.

"I played with the children of my father's business associates," he said dryly. The monotone in his voice ended the conversation. Haruhi looked up at him. He looked sad. His expression didn't give away anything but there was something about the way he stood that showed how sad he truly was. His shoulders were slumped slightly forward and his hands were shoved into his jacket pockets. His steps were shaky and his head was tipped toward the ground. His face, however, was emotionless. Haruhi sighed, knowing that he must have had a lonely childhood.

After pausing to drop Kyouya's phone off at the twin's house they continued their walk. It was cold and the wind blew in strong gusts that made the hosts shiver and walk closer together. Tamaki was beside himself with excitement. As they approached the theater he grabbed a fistful of Kyouya's jacket and tugged him closer.

"Guess what we're seeing!" he said loudly. Kyouya just looked at him. "We're seeing _Ice Age Two_!"

Kyouya opened his mouth to reply then closed it when he heard a shout of outrage from Hunny. The twins laughed and rushed ahead. They appeared to be holding Bunbun. Everyone turned to see Hunny charging after Hikaru and Kaoru.

"Takashi! They took Bunbun!" he cried.

Kyouya stayed still as the twins ran from Hunny. Mori caught the twins with one hand and took the precious stuffed animal back from them. He turned to Hunny and handed it over.

"Thanks, Takashi!" Hunny cheered. He hugged Mori around the legs and smiled. Tamaki laughed at the antics of the other hosts.

"Haruhi, have you ever seen _Ice Age Two_?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said, and then to Kyouya she mumbled, "When I was in elementary school."

Kyouya smiled with amusement.

Two hours later the hosts emerged from the theater with contented smiles. Amazingly enough, Kyouya had enjoyed the movie. He'd seen all the classic movies as a child but he'd never really seen children's movies. It wasn't that he was upset about not seeing kid's movies. It was just strange to see one so late in life. _Ice Age Two_ had never really fit the atmosphere of Ohtori manor.

"What a fantastic movie! The commoners have such adorable tastes in movies!" Tamaki cheered. Haruhi grumbled something about being called a commoner.

Kyouya smirked and flicked his best friend in the head and said, "Idiot".

"I love the movies. They're so fun," Tamaki said with a carefree laugh. Kyouya couldn't help but burn with jealousy. Tamaki had a perfect life: he was heir to a big company, he had a kind father who loved him, he could do whatever he wanted without worrying about disgracing his family, and he wasn't abused by the person who claimed to love him.

Tamaki was the son of Yuzuru Suoh and a French woman. His father, who'd had an arranged marriage, had gone to France where he'd met and fallen in love with a French woman. He had divorced his legal wife for the French woman and Tamaki was born. Tamaki's grandmother was still furious and hated him. He'd grown up in France with his mother until she'd grown ill. Tamaki's grandmother had been in need of an heir and she'd agreed to pay for his mother's medical bills if Tamaki came to Japan as heir to the company. Tamaki hadn't seen his mother since then.

_Fine, his life isn't perfect. But it's better than mine._

"Yes, they are," Kyouya said mildly. As they walked he continued to wallow in self pity as he mourned his shattered life. He was worried about his phone. If he'd missed a call he would be in deep trouble. Every second he wasted meant another dissatisfied customer. And every dissatisfied customer put him closer to a conflict with his father. He quickened his pace and the others struggled to keep up.

"Hey, Kyouya! Wait up!" Hikaru, the more hot-headed of the twins, called.

"Yeah! Wait up!" Kaoru, the more submissive twin, seconded. Kyouya didn't slow his pace, he kept plowing ahead. That was just how he did things.

"Come on let's run, it'll make us warmer anyway." Haruhi suggested. Tamaki, of course, was ecstatic about the idea and challenged the other hosts to a race. Kyouya played along knowing that he would get his phone back sooner. The twins led everyone through their mansion until they finally came to a spacious parlor. Hikaru handed Kyouya his phone. Tamaki smiled happily.

"See, that wasn't so bad," he said pleasantly. Kyouya reached over and squeezed his friend's hand.

"It wasn't so bad," he repeated. He flipped open his phone and his heart sank.

_Ten missed calls. I'm dead. _

"Excuse me for a minute," he said politely as he slipped out of the room. He shut himself inside the guest room next door and ran a hand through his hair. _Might as well get it over with._


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Of the ten messages three were from his father and seven were from various customers. The first was his father calling to say that he'd told some of the customers to call Kyouya. The next seven were from said customers. Unfortunately the last two messages were from his father who'd called to yell at him for not answering his phone. His father's messages were dripping with furtive threats and cold dislike. Kyouya shivered as fear gripped his mind. He was in for it. As the final message came to an end he prepared to call his father back. More than anything he just wanted to leave his phone somewhere and claim he lost it. He wanted to run, but instead he knew that he had to face his father. It made his stomach turn sour and made his knees shake. He dialed the phone.

Meanwhile Haruhi had been sitting beside the door to the guest room Kyouya had taken over the entire time. She'd heard him pacing around the room and was starting to get nervous. She glanced over to where the other hosts were playing Go Fish on the floor. Mori was lounged across a couch and the twins were situated across from Tamaki.

"Tamaki-senpai..." she hesitated as he turned around. "I think something is wrong with Kyouya."

"Oh, Haruhi, don't you worry your pretty little head about him. Come play this commoner game with us," Tamaki replied. He was clutching at a deck of cards with a lopsided smile on his face.

"Tamaki." It was Hunny who had spoken. He was leaning against the door listening to Kyouya's conversation. Tamaki listened hard and heard bits and pieces of what was being said.

"Not my fault.... I'm sorry.... No, I.... But that's not... yes, I'm still there... I can't just... they'd suspect..."

There was a brief pause.

"Father, I— No! I'll come."

The talking got louder as the hosts went silent.

"What do you want me to do? I can't just leave without an explanation."

"If you're not back in thirty minutes I'll—"

"Father, please— they might hear you."

The silence was thick for a long moment and no one dared speak.

"Yes, father."

Haruhi's eyes widened. _He sounds scared. Something is very, very wrong here._

Suddenly the door was pushed open. Everyone moved away and blushed. They'd been caught eavesdropping. Kyouya didn't seem to care, though. His eyes were hidden by the glare of his glasses and his arms were stiff at his sides.

"My father needs me. It's important. I promise I'll be at your concert later, Tamaki. Haruhi, don't let the twins break anything. Mori, keep Hunny away from the Hitachin's dessert supply. I don't want him eating all their cakes. Hunny... go have fun, ok?" He gave his orders in a daze. He deliberately walked slowly towards the door and turned the knob slowly. He slipped out into the hall, closed the door and took off at full speed.

Haruhi was the first to speak.

"Tamaki," she said quietly, "something is wrong. His father... There must be something going on here that we don't know about."

Tamaki's eyes widened. "Because of his phone..."

"Kyouya might need us," the twins said in unison.

"But what's _wrong_?" Haruhi asked. Mori scowled and put a hand on Hunny's head.

"Let's go," he said quietly. Tamaki nodded and frowned with determination.

"We need to wait for a few minutes. He'll change direction if he realizes we're following him and we can't let him get away," the blond insisted. And so they waited. Haruhi fidgeted nervously and stared at an old clock that was mounted on the wall. A minute and a half ticked by before Hikaru snapped.

"Come on! Let's go!" he growled.

"Maybe we're over-reacting?" Kaoru said hopefully.

"But I've never heard him sound scared! Ever! And I've know him for over a year!" Tamaki insisted. He grabbed Haruhi's wrist and started dragging her out into the hallway. The others followed. They ran down the streets as fast as they could. Their breath came in gasps but they ignored their feelings of exhaustion. As they drew closer to Ohtori manor they became more and more nervous. Mori knocked out the two guards who tried to stop them at the foot of the driveway. They rushed up the driveway and burst through the open front door. Loud crashes and shouting reverberated throughout the mansion. The sounds were coming from a nearby room. Tamaki charged off down the main hall with Haruhi at his heels. Mori scooped Hunny into his arms and ran with him slung over one shoulder. The twins grabbed each other's hands and ran after the others. The door to the room they reached was half shut. Tamaki threw it open and was shocked at what he saw. Kyouya was half-leaning against a table and his father was standing in front of him holding a bloody candelabra. Kyouya was dripping with blood and the beginnings of painful-looking bruises were beginning to form on his face. His glasses lay shattered on the floor and his cold eyes were filled with tears. His father looked furious and there were spatters of Kyouya's blood across his suit and face. Everything seemed to slow down as Yoshio Ohtori raised the candelabra and brought it down on Kyouya's head for the final time.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

HYPERLINK ".com/watch?v=8AsC10chwU8&feature=related" .com/watch?v=8AsC10chwU8&feature=related

Kyouya fell to the floor unconscious. The blood that seeped from his wounds turned the tile around him red. It was like sinking in an ocean of blood. As Haruhi screamed with horror Yoshio Ohtori turned to them with wide eyes. He hadn't expected the hosts to get past the guards. He knew that the hosts would tell the police, the police would leak it to the media and the media would ruin him. And to make matters worse he would be sent to jail. So he did the only thing he could.

He threw the candelabra at Tamaki and took off towards the window. The candelabra stuck Tamaki across the face and he stumbled into Hikaru, who knocked over Kaoru, who landed on Hunny, causing everyone to fall over. As the hosts scrambled to their feet Yoshio Ohtori wrenched open the window and leapt out onto the grass. He hit the ground running pausing only to shout into his phone.

"Guards! Do not let those teenagers leave the manor!" he yelled loudly. Tamaki rushed to the window.

"Haruhi! Help Kyouya!" he shouted. The other hosts rushed after him. They leapt out the window and dashed after the monster who called himself a good parent.

Haruhi threw herself to her knees beside Kyouya's limp body, knocking aside an empty bottle of hard liquor. _That jerk must have been drunk! How could he do this to his own son!_ She called Kyouya's name loudly.

"Kyouya-senpai! Kyouya-senpai! Wake up please!" She placed a hand against his neck and felt for a pulse. She felt a light throb. He was breathing sporadically and his pulse was weakening. She clutched at his bloody arm and shook him slightly, silently begging him to live. Haruhi was no doctor but she knew that Kyouya was dying. She pulled out her phone and dialed quickly.

"Hello? Thank God! My friend, Kyouya Ohtori, is dying! His dad beat him and now he's unconscious. We're at Ohtori manor. Yes, there are other people here. They're chasing after his dad. Name? Oh! Kyouya Ohtori is the one who got hurt. His dad is Yoshio Ohtori. Yes! I will!" Her voice was high and frantic. The woman told her what to do immediately and Haruhi hung up. She looked at Kyouya to see if he was still breathing.

He wasn't.

Haruhi instinctively began to administer CPR. She tilted his head, effectively opening an airway, pinched his nose, and brought her lips onto his. She breathed her air into his lungs and prayed that he would be ok. She came up for air then repeated the action. Then she began to try pumping his heart. It didn't help. She tried and tried but nothing could bring him back. She stared at his lifeless body and tears welled up in her eyes.

"No no no!" she screamed. Kyouya was her friend. She couldn't bear to lose him. As the rest of the hosts climbed back through the window Haruhi could tell that they had been unsuccessful in their attempt to capture Kyouya's killer. They stared at her for a moment with the unasked question on their minds lying heavily in the air. _Is he dead?_

Finally someone had the guts to ask.

"Is he... still alive?" Tamaki asked. There were tears in his eyes.

"No," Haruhi said brokenly. "He's dead."

No one moved.

"W-What?" Tamaki gasped. Haruhi just shook her head. Kaoru grabbed Hikaru's arm as his knees buckled. The twins collapsed to their knees together. Hunny grabbed Mori's hand and squeezed it tightly. Everyone had tears in their eyes. Finally Mori decided to do something. He pulled free of Hunny's grasp and walked over to Kyouya. He leaned down and scooped the battered sophomore into his hands.

"He's so light," Mori whispered as he placed Kyouya's body on the couch. Tamaki burst into tears.

"How could this happen to him? How did we miss the signs? Why did this happen?" Tamaki sobbed. He dropped to his knees and crawled to the couch.

"Mon ami… mon ami…" he whispered. He was so upset that French was beginning to seep into his speech. "Mon ami, pourqoi? Pourqoi?" He reached up hesitantly and locked pinkies with his best friend. Kyouya's fingers were limp in his shaking hands.

"Je t'aime, mon ami. Toujours. I love you, my friend. Always."

The police arrived a few minutes later and found a dead body on the couch, a pair of redhead twins holding each other and sobbing, a girl staring wide-eyed at a pair of broken glasses, a tall senior holding a short boy close and comforting him, and a blond boy clutching the body and sobbing in French.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Haruhi didn't move when the police entered. She just stayed still staring at Kyouya's broken glasses. She choked out a sob.

"Senpai!" she squeaked. He'd always hidden his emotions behind the glare on his glasses. He never let anyone in. He never accepted defeat and he never asked for help. It was heartbreaking to see what he'd been hiding. He'd never showed any signs of abuse. He was always perfect and controlled. She'd only seen one instance of his father's cruelty. At the Ouran Festival.

…

_Slap!_

"_Are you trying to embarrass me by staying a part of this?" Kyouya's father said furiously. _

_Kyouya didn't reply. He just picked his glasses up, put them on, and stood. He stared ahead with unfocused eyes. His father stormed away without a backwards glance. Kyouya tipped his head and let the glare of his glasses hide his eyes. He shrugged off his friend's concerns. He'd seen worse._

…

Haruhi looked up when she felt a hand on her shoulder. It was Mori.

"I told them what happened, they want to talk to you so that you can fill in the gaps from when I wasn't here." That was one of the longest sentences Haruhi had ever heard Mori say. She was too surprised to speak. She nodded meekly and walked over to the officer who was doing interviews.

"Ok, Miss, I need your name, age, address, phone number, relation to the victim—" He saw her expression. Her eyes were glistening with tears and she was horrified to hear Kyouya being referred to as 'the victim'. He started over. "I need some basic information."

"My name is Haruhi Fujioka," she began. It took twenty minutes to get through her story. Then he moved on to the others. Tamaki had, at some point, moved Kyouya's body. His horrified voice turned heads.

"Il est leger comme une plume." _He is light as a feather,_ Haruhi translated. The thought saddened her.

"Kyouya! Kyouya! Please say it isn't true!" cried a tall man as he burst through the door to the room. Everyone stared at him.

"Who are you?" The policeman asked.

"Tachibana. Satoshi Tachibana. Is it true?" the man, Tachibana, asked.

"Unfortunately so. What is your relation to the deceased, Tachibana-san?"

"I'm his personal servant," Tachibana glared angrily at the floor, "and one of the only servants who gives a damn about him."

The policeman raised an eyebrow. "If you care so much how come he's dead?" the remarkably insensitive policeman asked. Tachibana shook his head ever so slightly giving the impression of deep sadness.

"Ohtori-sama is my boss. I can't just burst in and tackle him or something," Tachibana said coldly then he sighed. "And we're all kind of... used to hearing screams from Kyouya and Ohtori-sama."

"Why do you speak so informally of your boss' son?"

"Kyouya trusted me."

That said it all. Kyouya rarely trusted people.

"Where were you all this time?" the policeman asked.

"I was out shopping. This is my only day off until christmas." Tachibana said looking very much like he regretted taking the day off.

Tachibana took a few steps towards Kyouya's body, hesitated, and looked to the policeman. _May I?_ his questioning gaze asked. The policeman nodded. The tall bodyguard kneeled down next to Kyouya's body and tentatively placed a hand against his raven-colored hair. He muttered something too quiet to hear and rubbed Kyouya's head gently. The twins looked at each other with sad eyes. Mori held Hunny close and rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. Tamaki was still beside himself with grief. Haruhi was thoroughly shaken. _I need to get out of here. I need space. I need to call my father. I'll tell him that I won't be staying with the twins as planned but that he doesn't need to fly home. He can stay at the convention. He'll be upset..._ Haruhi's father was a happy-go-lucky cross-dresser and he was in Osaka for a convention. Haruhi, being the type who liked to take care of herself, called and told him what had happened and that she would be ok. She told him to stay in Osaka. He was devastated. Haruhi's father, Ranka, had been friends with Kyouya and at one point had even rallied for the two to get together. Haruhi had dismissed the idea but had made an effort to get closer to Kyouya for her father's sake. Kyouya had learned to trust her over time. She'd shown compassion in a way that didn't get on his nerves. It was nice for both of them. One by one everyone began to leave. Eventually only Haruhi, Tachibana, and Tamaki were left.

"Tamaki," a voice called. Everyone looked over to see Tamaki's father, Yuzuru Suoh, standing in the doorway.

"Otou-san?" Tamaki questioned weakly.

"Come here."

Tamaki trudged over to his father slowly. Yuzuru pulled his son close and hugged him. Tamaki was surprised, but not upset, by the sudden show of affection. He cried quietly into his father's tie.

"It's not fair," he whimpered. His father rubbed the top of his head gently.

"I know, I know," Yuzuru said softly. "I called the music teacher and asked her to excuse you from the concert tonight."

"Oh, yeah, that's tonight," Tamaki mumbled. The horror of the situation had caused him to forget the thing he'd been looking forward to. He sobbed again, remembering how Kyouya had promised to attend the concert. Yuzuru turned to the policeman and smiled sadly. Tamaki left with his father soon after.

Tachibana rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Miss, I think it'd be best for you to leave. We've got things covered here," he said gently. Haruhi nodded numbly and turned to leave. Her eyes found Kyouya's corpse.

_He looks so vulnerable. Like an angel, a broken angel._ His pale skin glowed in the soft light, his feathery hair stuck up in some spots, his closed eyes were blackened with dark bruises, and Haruhi could tell from across the room that his body was cold as ice. _How could anyone hurt him?_


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

.com/watch?v=jVbkz_3lO3c

Haruhi walked down the street slowly. Her eyes were boring holes into the ground. She was very upset.

"Senpai…" she sighed. Haruhi had lost her mother when she was a young child. She and her father still had a shrine set up for her in the house. She knew what it was like to lose someone you love. It was heartbreaking. Suddenly she heard a soft female voice.

"Haruhi, he'll need you soon. Don't be afraid."

Haruhi froze mid-step and turned around. _Where is that voice coming from?_ She called out softly. She didn't get a response. She looked up at the sky with sad eyes wondering if her mother would meet Kyouya in heaven. She wondered if Kyouya was already an angel.

…

Kyouya couldn't bring himself to open his eyes. He was exhausted. Like swimming in a deep ocean. He was getting wearier and wearier with each attempt to move forward. He felt himself sinking. He was running out of air. His aching body struggled weakly against the force that was dragging him down. He heard a muffled sound, like screaming. Someone was calling his name. His tired mind attempted to identify the voice but he couldn't focus. He was slowing. All at once his body gave up the fight. He sank.

…

Kyouya's eyes opened lazily. _They must have taken me to a hospital..._

He pulled himself into a sitting position and gasped at what he saw. All around him were clouds. He was even sitting on a cloud. Everything sparkled and glistened. It was like sitting in warm snow. He looked upwards. _What on earth? _Resting on the cloud was a giant gate surrounded by shiny walls of clouds; like cotton strewn with tiny mirrors. The gate was huge and gilded. It stood impassive effectively hiding what Kyouya assumed to be heaven. He dragged himself to his feet and stared. It was then that he felt the fabric of his clothes against his skin. He looked down at himself and was surprised to find that he was wearing a toga over white dress pants. _When did I change clothes?_ Chains were draped about his body. He wore a collar with a thick— almost oversized— chain attached. The chain connected to his wrist and wrapped around his back before attaching to his ankles. He could move quite easily leading Kyouya to assume his strange garb was more symbolic than anything. He reached up and adjusted his glasses, thankful that he was still wearing them. _Calm down and think rationally. Ohtoris don't freak out. I'm _not _going to freak out. I'm going to _calm down _and _think._ I'm obviously dead. And I'm chained up for some reason._ His mind was reeling. He was upset and confused._ I don't understand what's going on. I can't believe this happened. Everything I worked for is worth nothing now. All the abuse came to nothing. My silence gave me nothing but death and pain. _Kyouya sighed angrily. He didn't want his pessimistic thoughts in his way.He took a step forward and felt a strange weight on his back. He shifted slightly and felt feathers brush against his partially covered back.

It was then that he noticed the wings.

_At least I'm not in hell. _Kyouya's wings were slim with long feathers. The only problem was that they were stained with blood. _I'm not bleeding..._ _What else changed when I died? _He looked over his body and was surprised to notice some new additions to his smattering of scars. The new scars were different than his older ones. They were shaped like letters, or rather, words. Every insult that had truly hurt him was etched into his skin. His eyes narrowed. He went to run a hand through his hair and paused. He looked hard at the back of his hands, furious at what he saw.

Worthless.

Disgraceful.

Words that had been pounded into his head since his birth. They marred his flawless long-fingered hands. He dropped to his knees.

"God! What else could go wrong!?" he roared, breaking down finally. He sobbed and squeezed his eyes closed, fighting back tears. His dream had been snatched away along with his life.

"Dammit!" he cursed, thinking about his best friend. He knew that Tamaki would be inconsolable. Tamaki would blame himself for what had happened. He shook his head furiously. It just wasn't fair. His wings flapped unceremoniously behind him. He stayed there sobbing for a few minutes. He cried for the friends he'd left behind and for his own life. _I have to help him through this. I have to._ He mentally ran over what he knew about angels. _I'll be his… guardian angel. I mean, if such a thing exists. _

He stood up with a scowl of determination, fought away the remainder of his tears, and began to walk towards the gate. He pressed his palms against the gate. He tried to force it open with no success. He cursed. And tried to pull the door open. _No luck._

He couldn't understand it. Why was he there if he couldn't go in?

"Hello, Kyouya. You've kept us waiting for a long time."

His head snapped up. Before him was a small angel with light brown hair that flowed in small curls down her back. Her pale, almost translucent, skin looked even paler against the perfect whiteness of her dress. It was a draped toga that somehow made her look even more beautiful. It was almost too much for Kyouya, the angel was beautiful. Her green eyes looked him over.

"I'm Alice," she said happily, then she scowled. _Did I offend her in some way?_ His eyes widened a bit. She grabbed his hand suddenly and tried to push the gate open. It opened and she tried to pull him through.

"How co—" He stopped abruptly as he slammed into an invisible wall.

"You didn't _let go_ yet?" she said in surprise.

"What?" he asked. She stared pointedly at the scars.

"You're physical scars have been healed. Those are your emotional scars. The word-shaped ones are the things that hurt you most," she explained. He snorted in spite of himself. "You won't be able to come in until you let go of it all."

"I'm not going to forget this..."

"I didn't say forget. You need to stop trying to forget. You need to _cope_."

"Cope with what?" His voice was incredulous. _She's not making sense!_

"Your memories." Her eyes flashed; she looked so serious. It was almost scary, like he'd provoked a vengeful... angel. _Did I provoke her?_

"What do you mean?" he asked carefully.

"When you die, you're _supposed _to let go of your past problems and move on. You're supposed to be happy," she explained, eyeing him carefully. "You didn't and now they're displayed on your skin. Don't you want to join us in paradise?"

"I want to be a guardian angel for my best friend," he spoke with confidence. Paradise was fine with him, but it was his friend's happiness that mattered most to him.

Alice scrutinized him, surprised by his sincerity. "Well, you'd have to finish with your problems before you take on someone else's."

"How do I fix," he hesitated, "my problems?"

She reached over and tried to touch his cheek. He shied away instinctively.

"Are you ok?" she asked, noting his reaction. He shrugged. _Old habit._ He took her hand in his and placed it against his cheek. They closed their eyes.

"Oh," Alice sighed. "You need to show someone your memories."


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Kyouya was flabbergasted. He opened him mouth to ask but she cut him off.

"Go find a human and talk to them. Tell them everything about you. They may be able to see you or they may not. It varies; they may see you once but not the next time or vise versa. Same thing goes for touching you. Basically..."

She trailed off as she struggled to find a way to explain it. "All you have to do is tell someone and then whenever they do something that has a connection with a memory in your mind they'll see it. You can also voluntarily show them memories. The idea is that they help you understand yourself and help you move on and accept what happened while you were alive."

Kyouya frowned. It all seemed so far fetched. But then again, he'd never believed in angels and now he was one.

"How do you know what I should do?" he asked skeptically.

"I'm your guardian angel, or rather, I was. I can always tell what's wrong with you. It's part of being a guardian angel. Everyone has one until they die." she said with a somewhat irritated expression. _So they do exist. _He paused to consider this before turning to the matter at hand.

_I'll show Tamaki everything. I'll finally tell him the truth. He'll see the real me after all this time. He'll understand everything I went through. _Kyouya's eyes closed in realization. _He'll understand everything I went through... Everything that I went through for him and for the host club. All my scars..._

Alice blinked in surprise as his face became grave. He glared off into the distance, his head turned away from her. _I can't let him see my memories. They would kill him. He would blame himself and that would upset both of us. He's too emotional to handle things rationally. Or rather, as rationally as possible given the situation. I need someone levelheaded. Someone who's calm and caring. Hunny is too innocent, the twins are too mischievous, Tamaki is out for sure, and I don't know Mori well enough to let him see everything. I guess that leaves Haruhi. She's level-headed, respectful, and not too nosy. She's caring, selfless, and kind. She'll be able to handle it. I'm sure of it._

Alice placed a hand on his arm, her eyes questioning.

"Can I fly?" The words left a sour taste in his mouth. He'd been raised not to believe in fairy tales, and despite the fact that he had died, _gone to heaven,_ and become an _angel, _he still didn't trust fantasy.

"Yeah. You can fly, but try not to hit an airplane ok?" Alice laughed. Kyouya nodded. _I'll start immediately then. But…_

"Alice, when did I die?"

"Yesterday."


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Haruhi had been rather shaken by the strange voice she'd heard. She'd barely been able to hold her key as she opened the door to her apartment. She'd just walked into her room, fallen into bed and gone to sleep. The following morning she awoke to find herself incredibly hungry and very cold. She sat up wondering what had caused the change in temperature and was annoyed to discover that she'd kicked the blankets off the bed at night. She scowled.

In a fog she walked into the kitchen and pulled out some cereal. She placed it on the table and grabbed a bowl and spoon. She dumped her cereal into the bowl, grabbed some milk from the fridge and poured that in, too. She plopped down in the chair and stared at her breakfast. Her stomach growled but she couldn't bring herself to eat anything. The food sat in front of her looking soggy and unappetizing. She shoved the bowl away sending a splash of milk across the table. _I can't believe we lost him._

She frowned, wishing it were only a dream. In her tormented mind she saw Kyouya's lifeless body wrapped in Tamaki's arms. It made her want to cry.

That morning Haruhi got dressed in silence. She'd never cared about her appearance and after cutting her own hair short for convenience she'd cared even less. She was oblivious to gender rules and short hair was simply fine with her. That day she'd thrown on a pair of sweatpants and a tee shirt and plopped down on the couch. Her eyes dampened as she remembered the last things she'd said to Kyouya, _I wish I'd had the chance to tell him that he's one of the strongest people I've ever met._ Haruhi sobbed softly to herself.

"Haruhi," a familiar voice beckoned. Haruhi's head snapped up.

"Senpai?" she questioned. _It can't be him, he's dead. But that voice!_ She felt soft fingers brush against he shoulders and spun around wildly, calling Kyouya's name.

"Hush, I'm here. Don't yell. I need a favor," he whispered. She caught a brief glimpse of Kyouya sitting on the couch beside her but when she looked again she saw only air. _Am I seeing things?_

"What do you need?" Haruhi asked nervously, feeling very stupid for talking to thin air.

"I need you to see my memories, the ones from when I was alive," Kyouya said darkly.

"W-what?" Haruhi's mind was reeling. _Is this a dream?_ She felt someone touch her cheek gently and heard the snapping of fingers.

"Come on, Haruhi, pay attention." he ordered. And then out of nowhere she could see him. Kyouya had since moved position and was standing in front of her, arms akimbo. She stared at his sorrowful glory, taking in his wings and interesting choice of clothing. But mostly she stared at his new scars.

Worthless.

Disgraceful.

She eyed his hands with sad, shocked eyes.

"You're an angel." Her voice was barely a whisper. Kyouya scowled; he hadn't anticipated her complete awe.

"Yes, I am. Do you agree to help me or not?" he grumbled. He was secretly embarrassed to have someone see his personal life and she wasn't making it any easier on him.

"I- yes, of course," she gasped. _This... this can't be real._

"Then you'll need to see my memories."

"Why?"

"I can't enter heaven unless I get over things."

"Oh. Wow."

Haruhi looked upset, a small wrinkle formed between her brows. _How could something like this happen? Is this a miracle? Or is this a bad thing? I can't believe that even in the afterlife he's still dealing with the same problems. And how am I supposed to help him deal with his memories? Is he so upset that it would hurt him to even think about them? Is he strong enough? Am I strong enough?_

Kyouya's image grew fuzzy. He was fading from her sight. "Basically wh—"

"Senpai? You're disappearing!" Haruhi cried in alarm, attempting to throw her long arms around him. They went right through him. He grabbed her wrist. She could feel him but he couldn't feel her.

"I'm here. I just can't control my tangibility and invisibility," he said irritably.

She breathed a sigh as he loosened his grip on her.

"Are you ok?" she asked him, it felt like such a stupid thing to say. How could he possibly have been ok after all that had happened?

"Just be quiet. I'm trying to figure out how to show you a memory," he snapped.

Haruhi mumbled an apology. _Dammit, she's harder to work with than I thought._ In that instant he became tangible again. 

"Wait, let me try something," she said suddenly, noting the pensive look on his face. She hesitantly reached up and touched his cheek. Her eyes grew sad as she felt him half pull away. _Haruhi needs to stop touching me. I can't focus. How am I supposed to show her anything? _He scowled. _Perhaps if I focus on a memory rather than on her…_

He sighed darkly, remembering something from long ago. Haruhi's eyes went wide.

"Senpai! I see it!" she gasped. _I can see Kyouya's memory!_


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

HYPERLINK ".com/watch?v=Gughv8r1U50" .com/watch?v=Gughv8r1U50

…

Kyouya had always been gifted in the arts. Violin had always been a favorite of his. He'd stare out the window of his room playing his violin for hours on end. Sad melodies would surround him and send him on a journey. He'd get lost in the biggest ocean of despair or fly to the highest cloud of happiness— and he'd stay there for an eternity. His father, who could hear the lonely sound echoing off the walls of the mansion solemnly, hated every minute of Kyouya's playing. Every sound that Kyouya made reminded him of his dead wife, Kame Ohtori. It made him mad that Kyouya had the guts to keep playing after he'd killed her.

In Yoshio Ohtori's mind it was all Kyouya's fault.

That particular day Kyouya had been playing for several hours and was under the impression that his father had gone out for the day. Unfortunately he was very wrong.

Yoshio Ohtori scowled at his desk, listening as Kyouya's song reverberated throughout the mansion. Every note tugged at his self-control.

"Damn kid," he muttered furiously as the song came to a heartbreaking crescendo. He was angry at the economy for being so hard on his economy, he was angry at the servant who'd spilled tea on him, and he was angry at Kyouya for surviving while his sweet Kame didn't. It made him want to hurt someone. He glanced up as someone pushed the door open.

"Sir, there's a letter here from Ouran Academy. It's from the music department. Kyouya must have gotten another award, you must be proud," a young servant said.

The patriarch of the Ohtori family narrowed his eyes.

"You must be new here."

He stood up quickly, upsetting a bottle of rum in the process, and pointed at the servant with evident distaste. "Music will never again be a part of the Ohtori household. It is for the weak and spineless."

...

At that moment Kyouya's eyes widened. He stared at Haruhi as she relived his memory.

"You're not even in this part of the memory," she muttered. Kyouya scowled. _Apparently whatever memory Haruhi sees, I see as well. And as she said I wasn't even here for this part..._

"I guess God is filling in the blanks," Kyouya said simply, his eyes cold and distant. That's when it hit her.

"You're mother, she's dead?" Haruhi questioned bluntly.

"Yes. Car accident."

"Will you show me that memory too?"

"Not now, you're not ready." He paused. _I'm not ready either, Haruhi. _"I'll show you when you know what's going on in my life. Or rather, what was going on." The memory came back into focus.

...

The weather was fairly nice that day. Cold and clear with wind that blew fiercely in random gusts. Kyouya dragged the bow across the strings with a detached expression. He was upset; he'd gotten into countless arguments with his father over the past week and things were only getting worse.

Wham!

Kyouya's head whipped around at the sound of someone throwing his door open. He leapt back from the window he'd previously leaned against and stood at the ready.

"F-father?" Kyouya asked nervously, noting the empty bottle of rum in his father's hand.

"You and that violin," Yoshio Ohtori spat, his voice shaking with anger, "have caused nothing but torment for the family!"

Kyouya clutched his treasured instrument closer and nodded, "Father, I'm sorry."

"You're _sorry_! Sorry!" Yoshio Ohtori crossed the room in a few short strides and smacked his son hard across the face. Kyouya recoiled, raising the hand that held his bow to his reddening cheek. His other hand still clutching his violin stayed shock still at his side. Tossing the bottle of rum aside, Yoshio Ohtori thrust his fist into his son's stomach knocking him to the floor. He swung his foot sharply into Kyouya's chest smirking slightly as Kyouya gasped audibly. The raven-haired teen panted lightly, curling up with his hands— still clutching his instrument— over his head. His father grabbed the bow and raised it high above his head, bringing it down against Kyouya's side. He raised it again, striking Kyouya's legs this time.

"I. Am. Sorry," Kyouya gasped between blows, turning his face upwards towards the man he called father.

"And yet here you are still holding the damn murder weapon."

The words cut like razors.

"That wasn't my fault!" Kyouya begged desperately. Another harsh blow met his already red cheek.

"It was your concert."

Kyouya lay there on the ground trembling as his father brutally attacked him and didn't breathe another word until his father had finished with him. Yoshio Ohtori stooped down and yanked his son into a standing position. He grabbed the violin that Kyouya had been protecting the whole time and threw it at the wall where it snapped in half. He snapped the bow in two and shoved Kyouya away.

"Clean it up," he ordered. Kyouya dropped to his knees again flinching at the pain throughout his body and took the splintered wood into his arms. He felt himself being yanked to his feet again and turned to see his father. Yoshio Ohtori grabbed a fistful of his son's hair and began dragging him towards the door. Kyouya dared not protest, he simply followed in his father's footsteps with a pained expression. It was then that they reached his father's study.

The only room in the wing with a fireplace.

_No! No! _Kyouya's mind screamed. He trembled lightly in spite of himself.

Once inside his father released his death-grip and stomped toward the fireplace. The flames flickered giddily as if they knew what was coming. Yoshio Ohtori tossed the broken bow into the flames, smirking as they devoured the wood. He cast his son a look that said 'Do it'.

Kyouya's hands shook as he stepped closer to the fire. He took a deep breath and tossed his beloved instrument into the fire. His father turned and walked to the desk in the center of the large, book-filled room. He slipped into the large leather chair, resting his hands against the cold mahogany desk. Kyouya didn't dare move an inch. He just stood and watched his first love burn. His breathing hitched as the flames overtook the bridge of his instrument. Brokenly he turned away and glanced at his father only to find that his father had turned the chair towards the window behind the desk and wasn't looking his way. Kyouya hesitantly took a step forwards, glanced up to see if his father had heard, then took two more. Suddenly he felt something hard strike his back, causing him to double over. He looked down to see the offending object and found a large medical textbook.

"Watch it burn, Kyouya-kun."

Kyouya did— fighting back tears the entire time.

...

Kyouya glared into the air remembering what had happened.

"I got a new violin a month later. I only played it in the servants' quarters," he said darkly. He was surprised to hear a sob.

"Senpai..." Haruhi's voice trailed off, "that's horrible..."

He snorted, "You don't think I've realized that? What he did was... extreme. However, I did deserve most of it, as it was all my fault."

Her eyes widened, making her look like a deer trapped in a car's headlights. "But how could the accident be your fault?"

He shrugged a bit, reluctant to reveal the darker corners of his mind. "It was my concert."

Haruhi shook her head and put her hands on her hips leaning back further on the couch in the process. Her tears slowed to a stop as she started thinking. "Well, there's your first problem. You're trying to take responsibility for something out of your control."

"Haruhi, must I reiterate for you? It was my concert and by extension: all my fault."

"Senpai, honestly, do you really think you deserved the abuse?" Haruhi asked, blunt as ever.

"For the most part, yes, Haruhi, I did. Painful retribution for a painful loss."

"But, Kyouya-senpai, for you to go through something like that, it's just not right. I mean how did you deal with it?"

"My family," Kyouya said with a frown, "has dabbled in all forms of business. We run a world-renowned chain of hospitals, a stock broker agency, mass-marketing factories, a mining plant, and a fleet of private jets that are regularly rented out to other elites."

Haruhi raised an eyebrow and her forehead creased with confusion. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Hospitals have medicine close at hand."

"You mean," her voice caught in her throat as she realized what he was talking about, "painkillers?"

He nodded slowly and Haruhi gasped. _He must have been in so much pain. And those pills, he probably got hooked. But maybe he didn't, he seems stronger than that. Or is that just a front he puts up?_

"Have you had enough of this for one day, Haruhi?" Kyouya asked, looking very much like he wished to leave. Haruhi looked hard at his sad expression and nodded, knowing it would make him feel better if she waited to ask her questions. He just looked so broken. He muttered a goodbye, saying that he was going back to heaven's gate for the day. He needed some time to think.


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Kyouya stared through the window at Tamaki's mansion. His friend was just waking up and was wrapped in blankets. Kyouya's heart just about broke watching his friend lay there.

"Kyouya," Tamaki sighed as he pulled himself from the bed. His eyes were red from crying and there were dark circles under his eyes. "Oh god, how could this happen?"

Kyouya could barely stand to watch as Tamaki continued his mumbling, "It's all my fault. I made him leave his phone. I-it's all my fault. Oh God, we have to start planning the funeral! And we have to find that sick creep who killed him! And it's all my fault!"

Tamaki burst into tears. Kyouya whispered softly, watching as his breath steamed against the window, "I'll watch over you soon, Tamaki. Don't blame yourself."

Kyouya squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself to turn around before he rushed in and did something rash. He spread his wings and took off at full speed flying clumsily from lack of experience. _I don't want Tamaki blaming himself. I just don't. _Kyouya flapped his wings harder, ignoring the loud clanging of his chains as he flew. He knew that there was one more thing he needed to do at that moment. He started flying towards his father's favorite bar.

It was a battered looking place that had obviously seen better days. "Tsukune's Bar and Grill" read a large wooden sign above the door. Kyouya stared in through the dirty, streak-covered window and scowled. His father was sitting at a corner table making some kind of arrangement with Shingi Ohtori. _What's my eldest brother doing here?_ Kyouya slipped over to the door and into the bar, knowing he was invisible. He walked quietly to stand behind his father listening as the details played out.

"I will be taking a private plane to another country where I've arranged things so that I can live in peace with a false name. You will remain here and be named President of Ohtori Corps. However, you will be taking your orders from me."

"Yes, father, I understand completely," Shingi said coldly. "But what of Akai? What am I to do with my younger brother?"

"He is to continue with what he's doing. When he has his Ph.D. he may supervise the hospitals we own and eventually he will take over as Vice-president of our company."

Kyouya felt his hands move forward, itching to strangle the two men. _Damn them both! Shingi, you monster, how dare you!? Father, you cruel, avaricious, bastard!_ He wanted nothing more than to kill them both right then and there but as his hands inched forwards he realized he couldn't. _What am I doing? I'm an angel! I'm not even tangible, not to mention that there's no way I'll ever become Tamaki's guardian angel if I kill someone!_ He held his hands steady at his sides.

"Fyumi," Yoshio Ohtori continued, "will no doubt be heartbroken. She'll take care of the funeral. All you have to do is show up. Make sure Akai comes and that Kyouya is buried alone and away from the Ohtori family plot."

"Excuse my impertinent questioning, but why are we to have him buried away from the family plot?"

"He is a murderer. He killed your mother," Yoshio Ohtori answered venomously.

Shingi nodded his honest agreement as if that was an acceptable answer.

"I'm truly amazed," Shingi said after a pause, "you're so calm."

"It's dog eat dog. Kyouya was weak; he'd have told someone eventually. I'd rather end the game at my own will." The elder man's voice was frigid. It was as if he truly didn't care.

His words hurt.

Somewhere deep down Yoshio Ohtori was upset. He had never intended on taking his son's life despite what he said. He knew that he'd been poisoned by his own rage— and by his favorite liquor, The Devil's Advocate. Killing his son had been a mistake. He'd lost control and become consumed by grief. It was no excuse, but he wasn't totally heartless.

He cared, he just didn't know it.

"Where are you headed now, Father?" Shingi asked suddenly, startling his father.

"To the southern half of the city."

Kyouya couldn't take it any longer. He turned tail and ran out the door. He opened his wings as best he could and took off. He sent the rest of the day watching Tamaki make plans for his funeral speech.

Meanwhile, Haruhi spent the remainder of the day thinking about what Kyouya had shown and told her.

She stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes with a faraway look on her face. _His mother is dead. And she died in a car crash on the way to his violin concert. That must have been a while ago... and then his father started abusing him, thinking that Kyouya had caused her death. His father became an alcoholic, too. And Kyouya blames himself. He's wrong, it isn't his fault. And the very thought of him needing painkillers scares me._

Haruhi scowled as she put the dishes down. She needed air. She soon found herself standing on the balcony of her apartment. The wind whipped at her short hair, blowing her bangs into her eyes. She shivered and pushed the bangs away. It was freezing and she had neglected to wear a coat. Sighing, she walked to the railing and leaned against it. Suddenly the strangest feeling overtook her as she was pulled into one of Kyouya's memories.

...

"Father, please! Let me go!" Kyouya begged. His legs were pressed firmly against the railing of the balcony in his room. His father pushed him further and his back sloped backwards partially over the railing. He tried to pry his father's fingers from his collar but he was too weak. "Father, please!"

Yoshio Ohtori continued to push his son further over the edge. His breath was tinged with the scent of alcohol. His eyes were bloodshot. _He's too drunk to see reason! He probably won't even remember what happened in a few hours from now. I don't want to die! It's too soon!_ Kyouya continued to struggle with his father.

"You're going to go see your mother, you disgraceful little child," his father hissed. Kyouya felt himself being lifted as his father tugged his shirt upwards. Kyouya tried to kick his father away but his legs were weak from being pressed against the railing. Yoshio Ohtori hefted his feather-light son into the air and balanced him atop the railing.

"Please!" Kyouya begged.

Just then the door to the balcony swung open and a man dashed out. _Tachibana? My new servant?_ Tachibana had just started working as Kyouya's personal servant. Kyouya had actually taken a liking to the kindhearted man. He was trustworthy and he was willing to help Kyouya more than servants usually did. He'd even gone as far as distracting his father to avoid another fight. Although, he hadn't know the reason at the time. However, at that moment the fact that he was there was far from helpful, for in the instant that Kyouya had recognized him, his father had turned around to see the source of the noise, releasing him in the process. Kyouya let out a yelp as he lost his balance and fell. His hands barely caught the railing as he fell, leaving him hanging from the third floor. He cried out for help as he struggled to pull himself back onto the balcony. Tachibana grabbed Kyouya's father and shoved him back into Kyouya's room. He slammed the door to the balcony shut jamming it in the process. He rushed back to the railing where Kyouya was still hanging. He reached down and pulled him back up.

"Are you ok?" he asked. It seemed like a stupid question. Kyouya nodded a bit, paying no attention to the various bruises and cuts the covered his body.

Tachibana ran a hand through his hair. "You sure?"

Another nod was his only response.

"I'm getting fired for sure." He muttered to himself.

"You won't get fired. He's drunk out of his mind. He won't remember a thing," Kyouya said dryly. "I'm assuming you heard the shouting. And of course you've heard the rumors, the ones about me and my father's... disagreement."

Tachibana shrugged and looked hard at his young companion. Then he did something unexpected: he hugged Kyouya softly.

"Don't you let him mess with you, ok? You fight back. I'll do my best to help you but you've got to do the rest yourself," Tachibana said determinedly. In that moment Kyouya made the decision to trust Tachibana, not realizing that he'd just found the person who would be his _true_ father figure.

Yoshio Ohtori spent about five minutes banging on the balcony door before he gave up. He knew it was jammed and was content to think that he'd managed to temporarily strand Kyouya and his savior, who he couldn't remember the face of any longer, on the balcony. With a self-assured smile he turned and walked away, intending on sobering up for a teleconference. However, he didn't seem to realize that Tachibana had a black belt in karate and would soon kick down the door. Kyouya had found another reason to stay close to Tachibana. The man could protect him once again should the time come that he was truly needed.

...

Kyouya gasped audibly as the memory ended. He was shocked that Haruhi had brought about a memory on her own. A memory that had been branded into his mind by admiration. His respect for Tachibana was one of his most private things. After all, Kyouya Ohtori was raised to be courteous to everyone and respect only himself. Hero-worship was below him and yet he valued Tachibana's opinion more than he should have. He stared once again into Tamaki's room watching his friend scribble down a speech for the funeral. Suddenly Tamaki looked up, causing Kyouya to jump. However Tamaki wasn't looking at him. In fact, it looked like Tamaki was praying. His mouth was moving, forming words Kyouya couldn't hear. That was truly it for the young angel; he flew away seconds later.

"Haruhi, I'm on my way," he muttered.


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Haruhi was amazed. _That man, he saved Kyouya's life even though he could have lost his job. He's a hero._ She suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to talk to Kyouya.

"Kyouya-senpai!" she called, hoping somehow that he would hear her. But she received no response. What did she expect anyway? It wasn't as if he truly thought he needed to be there. He thought that all he needed to do was let her see his life. But he needed so much more than that. The damage done to his mind throughout his life was unfair and wrong. Of all the word-shaped scars on his body the most frequently appearing were the ones that called him useless or unworthy. Haruhi had never met a person more worthy of happiness. After all he suffered through he deserved heaven and yet he was barred from the thing he craved. He was once again suffering. Turning, she walked back into her kitchen. She looked around sighing as the golden light slipped through the blinds. Its sparkling beams spilled across the sand colored countertop and reflected off a nearby key. It was later than she'd realized. She glanced over at the clock and saw that it was five o'clock already. She knew she needed to eat dinner but she couldn't think of anything she wanted. So she simply didn't start cooking. She went out into her living room and sat on the couch. She hoped that Kyouya would come talk to her. He needed to learn to get past his memories and the only way to do that was to talk to her. As if called by her thoughts Kyouya appeared in front of her.

"I saw how you really met that guy from before, Tachibana. You wouldn't have gotten close to him had he not saved your life," Haruhi said bluntly.

"I never had a reason to learn my servants' names before then. But Tachibana saved me, and he loved me like a son." Kyouya looked sad. He wasn't used to showing this side of himself— or any side of himself— so openly. It felt kind of nice. He needed the release.

"How do you know how much he cared for you?" Haruhi asked. She was trying to get him to think about himself and the people he loved. She wanted him to draw his own conclusions about his life.

"He'd say so sometimes." _Usually after he found me in a bloody heap on the floor of my room._

Haruhi could tell that she had hit a nerve and decided to leave it alone. Instead she stood and walked over to the shrine they'd set up for her mother. She grabbed a small family photo and handed it to Kyouya.

"This is my mom," Haruhi said, pointing to a beautiful brown haired lady, "And my father before he started cross-dressing."

"You guys look really happy here," he said lightly as he stared at the scene before him. The Fujioka family had taken the photo at a zoo. Haruhi was sitting on her mother's lap wearing a hat with a lion on it. Her father looked overjoyed and had an arm draped around his wife. Haruhi's mother smiled brightly. Kyouya was briefly reminded of a photo that he'd once seen. It was a photo depicting his family in their living room. Haruhi grabbed Kyouya's free hand and squeezed it as the memory overtook them.

...

This memory was little more than an image. However this memory showed the true juxtaposition of personalities within the Ohtori family. The image showed the family spread out across a large grey couch. The head of the Ohtori family sat at the right side, lounging back regally and typing on his blackberry. At his right sat Shingi Ohtori, who was nineteen at the time. The young collage student was absorbed in a medical textbook, studying for an upcoming exam. On the left of the Ohtori family patriarch sat Akai Ohtori, who was fifteen at the time. He was also absorbed in his work and was doing his AP geometry homework.

At the polar opposite end of the couch, as far away as possible from Yoshio Ohtori, sat the remaining half of the Ohtori family. On the floor sat Kyouya's only sister, Fyumi Ohtori, listening to her iPod with a content smile. She was twelve and beautiful. On his mother's lap sat Kyouya. He was five years old and was playing with a calculator. His cheerful smile had not yet been erased by his greedy, unfeeling father and older siblings. He was happy with his life and loved Ouran Academy's kindergarten. He wouldn't change his life for the world. Kame Ohtori held Kyouya on her lap with a happy smile. Her long brown hair fell in curls down her shoulders. Her brown eyes sparkled with amusement. She was stunning and had been a model until she turned twenty-eight. But there was something more important in her eyes.

Shreds of concern were integrated into her cheerful expression. She was worried about her two youngest children. She didn't want them to become carbon copies of her husband. Fyumi was old enough to have learned to be herself before she was an Ohtori but Kyouya had yet to learn this. Already his father was grooming him to be perfect. Teaching him that failure made him worthless and only perfection was acceptable. Kame Ohtori would never allow him to learn those things. She wanted Kyouya to do his best, of course, but perfection was not something she required. And so she was worried about him.

It was strange to see the separation of people within the family. Yoshio Ohtori had sharp features, black hair, glasses, and grey eyes. Kyouya shared those same features, making him look like a younger version of his father. Fyumi also had black hair and grey eyes but she lacked the sharp features and glasses of her father. Shingi and Akai both wore glasses but had brown hair like their mother. It was strange to see that the ones who looked most like their father favored their mother and the people who resembled their mother favored their father. It seemed almost ironic in retrospect. Nonetheless there was a clear line between the children favored by Yoshio Ohtori and the ones he thought troublesome.

...

As the memory ended Haruhi looked up at Kyouya.

"Your mother was beautiful," she said softly. Kyouya nodded absent-mindedly. Haruhi went on to tell him how peculiar the invisible wall between members of his family was. She said it looked as though there was a silent battle raging between his mother and father. He dismissed her findings, telling her that his family was just a little stiff. They weren't at war.

The image struck a cord within Haruhi's heart. She realized how lonely he must have been. The ages within his family were so spread out. He would have grown up almost alone, or at the very least, he would have had his childhood dreams squashed by the serious and mature personalities of his elder brothers. It was heartbreaking.

"What's your sister like, Senpai?"

"She's..." his voice trailed off as he searched for the right word, "bubbly. She could be Tamaki's older sister considering the way she acts. She's a very happy person and she tried to be my mother after the accident. It never helped but—"

He paused and let out a short mirthless laugh before finishing, "it amused me."

"She tried to be your mother?" Interest shone in Haruhi's eyes.

"She tried, unsuccessfully I might add, to pack me lunch for a while. She attempted to hug me twice as often. And she tried to explain my relationship with my father to people."

"What do you mean?"

"She'd go on and on about how much I respected my father and about how I would do anything to please him. She never realized I was just trying to survive." He scowled remembering a time she'd suspected abuse. "She almost guessed what was going on once."

.com/watch?v=G33qvd0_EkQ

...

Dinner at the Ohtori household was a very stiff, very formal event. Everyone would arrive on time, sit in their assigned chair, and eat properly and silently. The seating arrangement was very oppressive and did not allow much conversation. It told you what you were worth and what you could do. Yoshio Ohtori sat at the head of the table. Shingi would sit at his right hand and Akai would sit one chair down on the left. Fyumi would sit across from Akai. Kyouya would always sit one seat down from Akai in the only part of the table that was shrouded in shadows. However, that night only Fyumi, Kyouya, and their father were home. Fyumi had recently gotten married, at her father's request, to a man who lived in London. She didn't love him and she didn't want to leave her family behind in Japan but she followed her father's orders anyway. She knew she didn't have a choice.

They ate in silence as was the custom. It was forbidden to speak out of turn. If their father had nothing to say, they had nothing to say. Finally the quiet was shattered.

"Do you like your new husband, Fyumi?" Yoshio Ohtori asked. Kyouya scowled into his plate knowing that it would soon be his turn to be interrogated. When he looked up again his expression was blank.

"He's very kind to me. We get along very well although I wish he lived closer," she replied looking very much like she wanted to break something. She stabbed her food roughly, letting her fork clank loudly against her china plate. "I can't understand why he must stay in London. He's the president of a bank. He can work from anywhere!"

Crack!

Fyumi's plate broke in two but she disregarded it. Out of all the Ohtori children she acted the most like her mother. It was easy to tell what she was thinking.

She frowned before continuing her tirade, "I don't want to leave you two here alone in Japan. Shingi is always in northern Japan and doesn't care enough to come home. Akai is studying abroad and can't come home. It's too soon after the accident to leave you both here."

She didn't seem to realize that her words could be taken two ways. _I don't want to leave you two here alone..._ She didn't have any idea why Kyouya didn't let his father touch him anymore, why he moved so stiffly or why he looked like he was in pain. She didn't see the abuse beneath the surface. That was one reason why Yoshio Ohtori had married her off to a man who lived in London. She would be far away and would never discover what was going on. At that moment she was a liability. It was obvious that should she find out, she would tell the police and cause a scandal.

Fyumi continued on about how as a family they needed to stick together and how they needed to love each other. Finally Kyouya kicked her lightly from under the table. She took that as her cue to stop talking.

"I understand you're worried about us but a grown man and his son can take care of themselves. Right, Kyouya?"

"Yes, Father."

Fyumi opened her mouth to argue but was silenced by a sharp glare from her father.

"That is my final word on the matter."

Kyouya braced himself knowing that the interrogation would turn to him. He took a moment to consider the fact that he was the only one hidden by darkness. He distracted himself in this way. He glanced around inconspicuously and realized how intimidating the dining room was. The large table made of black marble, the grey walls with their modern design and cut, the cold artificial light from the lights they rarely turned on, the huge panel of windows that covered the wall behind his father, they all added to the intimidation factor of the room. Kyouya watched as the light spilling across the table began to recede as the sun set. In just a few seconds the head of the table was the only lit part of the room.

"Lights please, Kyouya," his father said coldly. Kyouya stood stiffly wincing at the soreness in his limbs and walked across the room to the light-switch. He flipped it on and turned back to the table only to realize that the only light bulb that wasn't dead was the one above his head. It looked like a spotlight. Kyouya walked back to his seat and sat once again. Once he was seated, Fyumi kicked him lightly. _I'm here for you,_ her light touch said. Kyouya kicked her back.

"How is school, Kyouya?" Yoshio Ohtori asked.

"Things are going excellently. I'm top of my class, of course. Tamaki Suoh is my best friend now." He stuck to safe topics. His friendship with Tamaki was his best bet for safety. Tamaki, as the son of a prominent businessman, was a very valuable friend to have.

"Ah, yes, Suoh-san. And have you had the chance to speak with his father much?"

"Not as much as I'd have liked. I've only spoken with Tamaki's father once or twice."

"How many times exactly, son?" Yoshio Ohtori asked, his voice seething with dislike. Fyumi's eyes widened. She'd never seen her father act so roughly towards her brother.

"Two times, Father."

"Why not more than that?"

"Tamaki's father is busy and isn't often in the mansion where Tamaki lives."

"If you gain nothing from Suoh then drop him."

Kyouya didn't know what to say so he simply nodded, "Of course."

"And what of your other connections?"

"I'm going to visit the summer home of one of my classmates next week. Shinichi Harada, the son of Heiji Harada, who owns the largest electric plants in Asia."

"Good. Invite them to the party we're hosting on the fifteenth of February."

The dinner progressed in a similar fashion for another hour. The conversations were tense and the expectations were high. When dinner eventually ended Kyouya was the last to leave. He lingered beside Fyumi's seat, staring at the plate she'd broken. He knew she cared for him but he hadn't realized how much. Suddenly a voice issued from behind him. His first reaction was to run but he forced himself to stay still.

"Yes, Fyumi?"

She reached over and put a hand on his arm, unintentionally pressing on a painful bruise. "Are you ok?"

He pulled away from her not noticing her hurt expression, "Yes, why?"

"You seem... different." Her voice was soft and sad as they stood in the near total darkness of the dining room. "Almost like you're afraid of something."

"I'm not afraid of anything." He replied, thankful for the darkness that hid his expression.

"When father looks at you," she said cautiously, "you get all nervous. I can tell by how you're sitting or standing. You kinda shrink back away from him like you're afraid of him."

Only someone who knew him well would have noticed something like that. He was always careful to keep a calm, blank expression but he'd never thought about his subconscious reactions. He knew that she was getting dangerously close to the truth.

"I'm not afraid of him. Perhaps a bit intimidated but that's only natural," Kyouya said as calmly as he could. He wanted Fyumi to stop talking and go back to her happy world where everything was nice. Unfortunately she wasn't going to let things go.

"But he's so much harder on you than before!" she insisted. "It's not fair to you. He looks like he wants you to drop dead."

Suddenly Kyouya grabbed Fyumi by her wrist and dragged her back into the spotlight above his seat.

"Have you ever considered the fact that I might deserve it? It was my fault mother was in that car. It was my fault that she got hit. Maybe father's realized what you have yet to realize." His eyes were fiery and his voice was passionate.

Fyumi looked at him with obvious surprise, "W-what?"

"Maybe it should have been her in ICU and me in a coffin. Maybe I should have been the one to die."

Fyumi stood in stunned silence for a long moment before she hugged her youngest brother fiercely.

"Don't you ever say that again! Mom shouldn't have died but neither should you! You're staying right here where I can keep an eye on you! I don't care if I'm in England, I'm going to email you everyday!" she exclaimed. He fought back the urge to whimper. She was crushing his bruised body more than necessary. However at the same time it hurt him, it made him feel better. He laid his head down on her shoulder and hugged her back.

"Don't worry about me. I'm fine here with our father. Nothing's changed," he lied. She mumbled her agreement into his hair.

Slam!

The door swung open and a servant stepped out. Kyouya and Fyumi jumped apart. Light spilled into the room as the siblings went their separate ways.

...

HYPERLINK ".com/watch?v=j4XAO5ZLWTw&feature=related" .com/watch?v=j4XAO5ZLWTw&feature=related

"She never realized what was happening even though she saw the signs," Kyouya mumbled. He stared at the photo of Haruhi's family in his hand. He felt like he was trapped in a whirlwind. Too many memories he'd tried to repress were creeping out. He never wanted to talk about them but something about Haruhi made his tongue loosen and his mind slack. He couldn't stop himself from telling her things and showing her things. She seemed so eager to help him. He saw everyone he loved in Haruhi. He saw his mother, his sister, his friends, but most of all he saw her for what she was. She was a kind soul who'd do anything for the people she loved. She was someone who wouldn't give up hope until the end. She was someone who would save him.

"What you're doing for me... I really appreciate it," he said awkwardly. Haruhi nearly choked on the air in her lungs. She'd never heard Kyouya sound awkward before.

"I'm happy to help you. You deserve it," she said after a moment.

For a moment they stayed like that. He still held the picture in one hand and her hand in the other. She ran a hand across a chain that hung from his wings. It rattled lightly and as she brushed it aside she saw another word-scar etched into his side.

Helpless.

Haruhi knew Kyouya liked to be in control but for a word like helpless to hurt him so much was awful.

"Have you had enough of my memories for one day?" he asked quietly. Haruhi leaned her head against his arm hesitantly.

"No. You haven't made much progress as far as letting go is concerned."

"Were you expecting a miracle?"

"You are a miracle. Tell me what you're thinking, Kyouya-senpai."


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

His hands fingered her dark brown locks of hair as he considered what to say. _What am I thinking? What am I feeling? _Finally he spoke.

"I keep thinking about how much I miss everyone. And I keep thinking about all the people who tired to help me. I keep thinking about my sister and how upset she must be. She really wanted to protect me; even from across the world. I keep thinking about my mom and how normal things were with her around. I keep thinking about Tachibana and how he would treat me so kindly. I keep thinking about Tamaki and how he's beating himself up over things. He blames himself... Just like I blame myself for my mother's death."

Haruhi smiled a bit. _He's starting to get it. There's no way he blames Tamaki. And since Tamaki is doing the same thing he's doing he'll realize how wrong he is._

"But you don't blame Tamaki," she said pointedly.

"I could never blame him for this. He just wanted to spend time with me." Kyouya's wings shifted slightly and folded around them like a security blanket. _My wings seem to have a mind of their own._

"Just like your mother did."

The statement hung in the air. Kyouya wouldn't touch it. He shook his head slightly and stood, dropping the picture in the process.

"Exactly." _If I had left sooner or even if I'd never been born my mother would be alive. She wanted to hear me play so she'd come with me. She wouldn't have been in that accident if it weren't for me._

"Senpai?"

"I'm going back for tonight. It's getting late."

He wouldn't hear any of her protests. He just went to the door, intangible and flew away. Haruhi stood and watched him go with a furious expression.

"Dammit, Kyouya-senpai! How can you be so blind!? You haven't done anything that warranted this torture!" Angry tears sprang to her eyes as she called angrily into thin air, "You're not facing anything! You're not trying anything! You're just running away! Don't you want to go to heaven!? Don't you want to move on!? Or are you just trying to make things harder for the people who have to let you go?!"

She started stomping towards her room when the picture Kyouya had been holding caught her eye. The glass had been scratched slightly but it was ok. She stared at her mother's face. In that instant she dropped to her knees. She knew that praying would calm her down.

"Mother in heaven," she prayed, "help me make him understand. I don't want him to suffer any more. If the others knew, they'd feel the same way. I know that it's hard for him, but he's just not letting me help. It's like he's telling me his life-story but he's not thinking about it. Like he's reading a book without picturing what's happening. I just can't get him to think about why he is how he is or why he does what he does."

Her voice calmed as she spoke. She was still upset but her temper had cooled. She wasn't on the warpath anymore. In fact, she was hungry. It seemed so strange to think about food after talking to an angel but her stomach was mad at her for avoiding food for so long. She stood and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a cup-ramen on the way. She cooked and ate silently, devoting her brainpower to figuring out what made Kyouya so... Kyouya. Eventually she decided she wasn't getting anywhere and decided to call it a night. She got a bit more sleep that night.

Meanwhile Kyouya landed on the cloud he woken up to in the morning. He didn't like the idea of sleeping on a cloud but he could think of no alternative. He sat down at the very edge of the cloud with his feet dangling off the end. _Tamaki is different. He didn't do anything. All I ever did for my mom was get her killed. Tamaki and I helped each other through almost everything. He knew me better than anyone. Actually the only thing he didn't know was what my father did to me and I would never have told him about that. I helped him with his Japanese when he first moved here. I taught him all about Ouran and I taught him how to stay serious about his dreams. I managed the host club's funds. I did so much for him and he did whatever he could for me. He helped me have fun and he taught me what real family is. Me and Tamaki gave and took things from each other. But I never did that for my mom. I just expected her to be there. I never did anything to help her. I just took and took and took. So it's not the same._

"Because I took everything, even her life," Kyouya said. Tears sprung to his eyes and one rolled down his pale cheek. He brushed it away furiously. Then outof nowhere a thought hit him and oddly enough it came in the form of Haruhi's voice: _You gave her your love._ He wasn't sure how he felt about that. He wasn't sure if he had truly done anything for her. He lay down on the cloud and curled into a ball with his wings covering him up. In his mind he replayed the thought over and over. He stayed up as long as he could before his mind finally caught up with his body. He'd had the most exhausting day of his entire life. He was so run down and worn out that he succumbed to his exhaustion around seven-thirty at night.

The following morning Haruhi pulled herself out of bed at noon with a vague idea of how to get Kyouya to face up to what was going on in his subconscious. She got dressed and grabbed her bag on her way out the door. She'd come to the conclusion that certain places held special meaning for Kyouya and so she intended to walk around town in hopes of inspiring a memory. She decided to walk to the grocery store first because that was the only thing she could come up with. Unfortunately it didn't hold any particular significance in Kyouya's mind so she continued her trek across town heading towards town hall. This also accomplished nothing. She walked for another hour before giving up and sitting on a bench near the track of a local high-school. She watched with fascination as a group of athletes charged around the track in their thermal running clothes. They were training for the spring track season. Haruhi found it entertaining to watch the runners dash along the track, each trying to gain an inch or two above their peers. And then out of nowhere someone burst ahead of the pack running with all their might. They won the race by a few feet. Haruhi would have clapped had she not been pulled into another memory.

.com/watch?v=b4wdDRZf0Do&feature=channel_page

...

It was spring at Ouran Academy just a few months after the accident that had stolen Kame Ohtori's life. This particular spring Ouran Academy had decided to include track as part of its phys. ed. program which meant Tamaki and Kyouya would be forced to run timed laps. Tamaki was thundering around the track at full speed, fully intent on beating the school record for the quarter mile. He was practically a blur as he ran. His excited voice echoed in Kyouya's head: _I'm going to run so fast you won't even be able to see me! It's going to be so fun!_ Tamaki was ecstatic. Kyouya was dreading it. Running was a form of escape and that meant it was weak. He refused to be known as someone who was good at escaping. He knew his father would hate him for it.

But at the same time he wanted to run. He wanted something mindless that would take all his power. He wanted to use _force. _He wanted his feet to hit the ground hard enough to leave marks. He wanted to run so fast that the sheer force of the wind would knock his hair out of his eyes.

He wanted to be in control.

Tamaki came flying around the last bend in the track. He scored about three seconds faster than the school record.

"Yes!" he cheered as he hugged his best friend.

"Good job, Tamaki," said the coach. "Kyouya, it's your turn."

Kyouya was suddenly very glad that the only bruises he had at the moment were the ones that were on his face. A bruised cheek and black eye wouldn't impede his running. He slipped off his glasses and handed them to his best friend with a smirk.

"Ready," he told the coach. He waited until the coach gave him the go before he took off. He ran at lightening speed. His feet hit the ground with enough force to make clouds of dirt and dust appear. His hair blew backwards and sweat dripped down his forehead. His legs blurred out under him as he ran. For once, he was in control. He could do what he wanted. He could be free.

It was like he was flying.

In the seconds that he spent running, he forgot all his problems. He forgot about the bruise on his cheek and the black eye that he'd hidden with some make-up. He forgot about his father and about the company he so desperately wanted to succeed. He forgot about everything. It was just him and the track.

All too soon he was back where he started both physically and mentally. The coach said something to him but he didn't hear. It was then that Tamaki hugged him again.

"You were even faster than me! You beat the school record!" Tamaki exclaimed happily. Kyouya pulled away with a surprised expression.

"I did?" he asked. The coach proceeded to read him his time which was almost ten seconds faster than Tamaki's. Kyouya shook his head.

"Don't record that," he ordered. The coach was flabbergasted.

"Why not?" he asked in confusion.

"Running is not something an Ohtori is meant to excel at. I would greatly appreciate it if you switched my time with Tamaki's," Kyouya said pleasantly.

"But you ran the fastest," the teacher protested. Kyouya reached up to wipe the sweat from his face, accidentally smudging the make-up the covered his black eye. A streak of dark purple was visible as he moved his hand back to his side.

"Please change my time. It would be very inconvenient for me to have to explain to my father that I hold the school's record for the quarter mile," the raven-haired boy insisted. The coach stared hard at the purple streak for a long moment. He couldn't think of an acceptable reason for why it was there. Kyouya Ohtori couldn't possibly have any problems like _that._ He was an Ohtori; untouchable, unfeeling, intelligent, and far too noble to be affected by something like abuse. He decided to give up thinking when the teen before him spoke again.

"Do you understand?"

"I'll change your time," he said solemnly. Kyouya extended a hand towards Tamaki without looking at him. Tamaki handed Kyouya his glasses. As the raven-haired teen slipped his glasses back on he smudged the make-up back over the bruise covering it completely. It was strange to think how close he had come to having his secret exposed by the teacher in front of him. It was even stranger to think how he hadn't even known.

...

Haruhi smiled as she realized something about her angel. He was fast and he liked to be in control. All his life Kyouya had been told what he would do for the rest of his life. He was fated to follow in his brothers' footsteps and support them. He knew that he would be subordinate to his father and brothers. He knew every moment of his future. He couldn't fight it. Every expectation ground against his head telling him that he could do nothing. He was blessed with great speed, great intelligence, great charisma, and great strength. However he couldn't use his skills while living in the shadow of his family. He could do nothing to change his situation.

With expectations closing in on all sides Kyouya subconsciously trained himself to face things head on. He learned from watching his family that running did nothing and fights were inevitable. Haruhi understood this almost immediately after seeing his reluctance to accept that he'd defeated the school record. She thought it was funny that Kyouya was so fast and yet never ran away from anything. She almost wished that he'd run away from his father. In a way she felt inspired to continue searching for something that would help her understand him. So she stood and decided to head to somewhere familiar.


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Kyouya couldn't even comprehend why Haruhi had found that memory. He'd almost forgotten it. He'd never known that his makeup had smudged that day and he would never have known had he not been witnessing the memory from third person. He was glad his secret hadn't been exposed. _That would have been very inconvenient._ He relived the feeling of running like that in his head for a long moment and realized how much he missed going fast. He felt a sudden urge to fly fast. _Very ,very fast if I can. _He leapt off the cloud not bothering to consider anything else for once. He wanted to live off his impulses for a while. So he flew around the sky looking a lot like an overgrown seagull. He enjoyed the feeling of the wind whooshing around his wings and through his hair. He laughed a bit as he tried to comprehend a happy carefree existence in the afterlife. When he grew tired of this he turned to imagining himself as Tamaki's guardian angel. He could just picture himself standing over Tamaki as he took his college entrance exam or watching as Tamaki argued with his wife over a name for their child. It brought a smile to his face. _This is why I'm bothering to relive my past like this. It's all for the best friend who kept me sane through all the abuse._

Haruhi spent hours wandering around town calling up various memories from Kyouya's mind. Mostly all she saw were heartbreaking images. She saw Kyouya laying limp at his father's feet. She saw him staring at a bottle of painkillers. She saw him sitting in the servant's quarters playing the violin for Tachibana. She saw him covering a bruise on his arm with make-up. She saw his father's face contorted with rage as he raised a hand to strike him. She saw him bandaging a wound.

She saw herself and Tamaki through his eyes. In his mind she was radiant- a patch of sunlight in a world of dark. It was the same way for Tamaki. It was the saddest thing she'd seen in years. He looked like the poster-child for a child-abuse awareness program.

It was getting late. She had only one stop to make on her way back. She pulled a book from her bag and took the steps up to the library two at a time. She needed to return _Pride and Prejudice _before it was late. She slipped in knowing that she would be one of the only people around. An old librarian looked up at the sound of her arrival. Her name was Miwako Kobayashi and she was seventy-two.

"Hello, Haruhi dear," she said cheerfully, "Could you do me a favor?"

"Sure, Miwako-san." Haruhi had known Miwako Kobayashi since she was a child and often volunteered as a student helper.

"I need to step out to go pick up my dog, Mr. Cuddles, from the dog groomer's place. Could you watch the counter for a half-hour or so?" Miwako asked. Haruhi nodded politely.

"Sure, I'd be happy to."

Haruhi ended up returning her own book and wandering around the library after a few minutes. She walked slowly down the rows, running her hands across the spines of the ancient medical textbooks of the reference section. The whole place was cluttered but completely dust free. It smelled of cinnamon and old paper. She loved the smell. It was so soothing to her that she slumped down against the bookcase. Her head tipped back lightly and she smiled. Her eyes closed as she felt another memory coming on.

...

Kyouya's breath came in random gasps as he laid his head back against the bookcase. He was half sitting against a bookshelf and he was hurt. His father had just beaten him again. Kyouya's mind was too fuzzy to even remember why. His shirt was streaked with blood and his face was cut and bloody, too. There was an annoying ringing sound in his head that was adding to his already awful headache. He wasn't sure but he thought he may have gotten a concussion. His legs were sprawled out in front of him. _I ache all over... I'm dizzy too... what happened? I need... something. I don't even know. I just need something._ He looked around the library of Ohtori manor searching for something that would make him remember what had happened. It was then that he saw the broken chair leg on the floor by his feet.

"Oh." His voice was barely a whisper. He'd upset his father by bringing the host club over for dinner. Tamaki had wanted to show Haruhi how Kyouya lived for some reason and the rest of the hosts had tagged along. Tamaki had brought up plans for a large, extravagant party during the meal. These plans had been the final straw for Yoshio Ohtori. He'd found Kyouya in the library later and attacked him. Kyouya didn't know what to do. He felt something warm and wet drip down his neck and realized for the first time how badly he was injured. He needed to see if he had a concussion. He half turned around and grabbed a book off the shelf. He went to read the title only to find that he wasn't wearing his glasses. Angrily he tossed the book aside and looked off to the side, only to find his glasses laying in pieces. He sobbed brokenly and started shaking. _What else could possibly go wrong?!_

"Kyouya? Kyouya are you there?" called someone from behind another bookcase. Kyouya recognized the voice as Tachibana's and called back softly. Tachibana stepped around the bookcase and nearly had a heart attack. His young friend looked like he'd been through hell and back. He picked up the first aid kit he'd brought with him before rushing over to Kyouya and dropping to his knees.

"What happened? I heard the shouting but I knew you wouldn't want me to interfere," he explained nervously. He looked at the numerous cuts and gashes that marred Kyouya's pale skin.

"I'm glad you didn't try to help. It would have killed me and gotten you fired," Kyouya said weakly. He began to explain to Tachibana what had happened as the older man checked out his injuries.

"You don't look good at all. From the blood that's coming from your head it's fairly safe to say you have a concussion," Tachibana sighed sadly. He reached over and picked up the book Kyouya had tossed aside. He flipped open to what Kyouya assumed was the index and then to another page.

After a moment he sighed. "At least you collapsed in the medical section. Now I can find some books that will help us... Are you dizzy?"

Kyouya nodded.

"You're having trouble remembering how you got here, too, right? You say you just woke up here?"

Another nod.

"You got a headache, too?"

Another nod and then Kyouya said, "There's a weird ringing in my ears too."

"You definitely have a concussion."

Kyouya cursed under his breath as Tachibana continued to speak. "It says here in this book that you should go to a hospital."

"I'm not going anywhere." The teen's voice was slurred from the concussion and nervous from the prospect of going to a hospital, "If I go to a hospital, they'll figure out what my dad does and he'll go to jail. That will mean I'll have to live with Shingi because he's the oldest and Shingi will get the company, too..."

Kyouya knew he was rambling to the point of making little sense. He was fading fast. He looked ready to pass out but he was fighting back. He sat up straighter and held his arm out for Tachibana to bandage.

"Living with you brother can't be as bad as you make it sound," Tachibana said as he pushed the sleeve of Kyouya's shirt out of the way. He began applying some medicine and bandages. The wounds weren't too deep but they looked painful. Kyouya's scowled and a look of disdain crossed his features.

"Shingi is a_ monster_," he said contemptuously.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Tachibana asked awkwardly.

"I just want to forget it."

That put an end to conversation for a while.

"You've been getting those painkillers from one of your family's hospitals right?" Tachibana asked after a pause.

"Yeah," Kyouya grumbled. He winced at the stinging and tried to pull away. Tachibana held him still with one hand and applied an ace bandage with the other.

"I brought one with me," Tachibana said abruptly. "When I heard the shouting I knew you'd need it."

_Tachibana, you're a saint. _Kyouya reached over to the first aid kit and dug around until he found what he was looking for. He downed the pill without hesitation and without water to wash it down. "Thanks Tachibana."

The older man grunted lightly in response and began working on Kyouya's other arm. He'd noticed how easily Kyouya had downed the pill and it worried him. It was almost as if the young man was used to taking pills in that manner. Tachibana was worried about the possibility of an overdose but he pushed it aside for the moment and continued with his first aid.

"Why do you let him do this to you?"

"What choice do I have? If I tell someone I'll end up with Shingi and he's just as bad. It'd be the same thing only in a different place. Tachibana, I appreciate your concern but you just don't understand."

Tachibana let it go, knowing that Kyouya wasn't up for an argument. He sighed and pulled out a larger bandage. He gestured for Kyouya to duck his head a bit. Lifting up his companion's hair he began to wrap the bandage around his friend's head.

"If you're not going to a hospital, are you at least going to have one of those private physicians see you here?" Tachibana asked worriedly.

"My physician..." Kyouya trailed off as he considered the possibility. "Yes, I think that would be a good idea. I'm glad we have tomorrow off. I'll need to find a way out of Tamaki's concert though."

It was December seventeenth: exactly three-hundred-sixty-four days after the accident that tossed Kyouya into a waking nightmare.

"Weren't you going to visit your mother's grave?"

Kyouya pulled away from Tachibana, letting the half-wrapped bandage trail down from his dark hair. Tachibana had come to Ohtori Manor after the accident. _He must have asked the other servants for the circumstances of my mother's death. Still, saying things like that so bluntly— it hurts._

"I'm in no condition to leave the house; it would put my secret in danger of being discovered." Kyouya's eyes were dark and cold. It pained Tachibana to see the one he loved like a son in such pain. He wanted to stop the pain, but he knew he couldn't.

It hurt.

Tachibana shifted his position so that he was kneeling between Kyouya's outstretched legs. He reached over and gently grabbed the dangling tail of bandage. He waited for the teen to tip his head again before he continued wrapping. When he finished he scooped Kyouya into his arms, ignoring the teen's protests.

"You know, normal teens don't weigh sixty pounds."

"I can assure you that I weigh more than that."

Tachibana muttered something that sounded like 'Sure as hell don't feel like it.' and shook his head. Leaving the first aid kit on the ground, he began heading towards the door to the massive library. They moved in silence with the only sound being soft footsteps and baited breath. Kyouya curled against the older man's chest and closed his eyes. He felt safe for some reason. _Maybe it's because I have someone protecting me now._ The thought brought him little comfort as he realized that Tachibana couldn't do much to protect him from his father.

"Kyouya, don't open your eyes." Tachibana whispered suddenly as they turned the corner into Kyouya's wing. The younger man nodded his head slightly and kept his eyes firmly closed. He heard the change in the sound of their footsteps as they stepped from the posh carpet of the hallway onto the hard wood in front of his father's office. Then they stopped moving.

"Good evening, sir."

Kyouya could practically picture his father raising an eyebrow at the sight before him.

"I found him unconscious on the library floor and bandaged him up. He has a concussion, so it would be highly advisable to call a doctor," Tachibana said politely. "He was awake before but I think he's out again."

"You did the right thing when you administered first aid," said Yoshio Ohtori. His voice seemed to drip with venom and he put emphasis on every syllable. "I shall arrange for a doctor to come tomorrow. It would be very unfortunate for my son to go through a day in pain. Pray tell, what do you think caused him to be injured in such a way?"

"Perhaps he fell down the stairs, sir."

Kyouya resisted the urge to scowl. He could just picture his father standing there with his cat-that-ate-the-canary smirk and his steel grey eyes. It sickened him. Tachibana continued his solemn march down the hall after a very curt dismissal from his master.

When they finally reached their destination, Kyouya asked to be put down.

"Can you make it to your bed alone?" Tachibana asked. The injured teen nodded and tried to force his way out of the older man's rock solid grip. Tachibana hesitantly lowered Kyouya to the floor and watched as he took a few shaky steps.

"See," Kyouya growled through clenched teeth, "no problem. I can do it."

He took a few small steps before collapsing back into Tachibana's waiting arms. The elder man ended up carrying him the rest of the way.

Kyouya's bed was a mess. His sheets were bunched on the floor at the foot of the bed and the comforter was lying in a heap on the floor. Clearly Kyouya was not sleeping well. Tachibana accounted it to stress. He placed the younger man atop the mattress and watched as he curled up on his side. He was facing away from Tachibana who was trying unsuccessfully to detangle the sheets. After struggling with that for a few moments Tachibana gave up and grabbed the quilt off the floor. He knew that Kyouya wasn't going to change his clothes after all the effort it had taken to put on the bandages so he spread the quilt over Kyouya's body and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Kyouya... You know I think of you as my own son after all we've been through together, right?" Tachibana asked nervously. Kyouya curled up a bit tighter, drawing his knees closer to his chest.

"I know you do." His voice came out as a whisper. _You deserve the title 'father' more that my real father does._ Somehow Kyouya couldn't bring himself to voice his thoughts. It was as if by admitting the truth he would be committing to something. _But I don't think I deserve to be called 'son'. After everything you've done to help me I know I could never do enough for you._

Kyouya succumbed to exhaustion soon after.

_..._

Kyouya would never admit it but he had finally lost faith in his own worth. He'd always been told that he was worthless. First by his father, then by his brothers.

Every failure.

Every shortcoming.

Every fault.

Every mistake.

Every embarrassment.

Made him worthless.

Being loved and appreciated was something unknown to the youngest Ohtori. Since his birth he'd been told the same thing over and over. It had become part of his mind and part of his very being.

Only perfection was acceptable.

Kyouya, as a human, was imperfect. He understood but strove to surpass his humanity. He never succeeded and so he spiraled down a winding path of self-hatred. He believed himself unworthy of help or praise. He thought that the only way to earn someone's aid was to aid them first. He'd trained himself to rely on himself and no one else and so when Tachibana stepped into his life and past his broken mental walls he didn't know what to do. All his life he'd built up a wall around himself. He never let anyone in despite their efforts to reach him. His wall intimidated them.

His father knew how to break that wall. He could pick apart Kyouya's excuses, guess his motives, rip away parts of his life, and leave him vulnerable. He'd done just that in the moments before Tachibana had come to save him for the first time. The first time the two had met was a time when Kyouya had little of his wall intact. He'd been exposed and vulnerable. Tachibana had taken him at face value. He'd seen what was going on and he'd made the choice to help.

Kyouya ran a hand through his hair in irritation. That memory was special to him. Tachibana was one of the few people who truly knew him for who he was. Tamaki, Haruhi, and Tachibana were his escape. Around Tamaki he could be himself. Haruhi could always understand him even when he himself couldn't. Tachibana was the one person who was close enough to protect him. Around these three he could drop his mental walls and shed his burdens. He felt he owed them his life but that was precisely the problem.

_Now's not the time for this. I need to find Haruhi. She'll have questions and she'll want me to answer him._

His wings beat faster and faster as he flew; he threw himself into the clouds letting the cool, moist air rush past him. He was on his way and this time his flight was not for pleasure.


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Haruhi jerked her head up and she smiled a bit. _At least he let someone help him. He's so stubborn when it comes to his family. _For as long as she'd known him, she'd always been able to see right through him. She often told him that he wasn't an egoist like he claimed but a nice person hiding behind glasses. Seeing into his world like this was strange. He wasn't very open even though his goal depended on it. He was nervous and he didn't want to talk about his family. Haruhi knew that what she'd just seen was important to him. _It's so nice to see him so comfortable with someone. _She was annoyed, however, that he didn't believe he deserved Tachibana's help. It seemed to her that the only person Kyouya truly respected was the one person who he thought he didn't deserve. _Well, I'll just have to fix that._

She leaned back against the books again and called his name softly. With her head resting back against the spines of the books she let the scent of old paper wash over her. She pictured herself in the position, covered in her own blood, with a concussion and wracked with pain. She pictured herself waking up to find a close friend wrapping bandages around her arms. She tried to picture her father being the one to cause the pain.

She just couldn't.

"Kyouya," she whispered to herself, "you're truly a miracle. Surviving _that_ is more than anyone should have to deal with."

"Thank you, Haruhi."

"Senpai?" She sat up and looked around. She heard Kyouya but she couldn't see him.

"Yes." She felt a hand brush her shoulder and knew he was beside her. He whispered to her softly, "I'm here."

Haruhi spoke quietly in return, telling him how sweet it was that he depended on someone so much. She told him how she'd realized that he had a bit of an inferiority complex and that he needed help. She told him everything he never knew and everything he'd never wanted to realize. He told her about his mental walls and about the pain of being powerless. He told her how easily she, Tamaki, and Tachibana broke down his walls and how unconscious they were of it. He told her about how much he cared for Tachibana and how much he wanted to please him. His speech slowed however as he realized what he was doing.

"I've said more than I should have," he said suddenly, aiming to kill the conversation. They had been talking about the fact that because he felt inferior to others in some ways he threw himself into his work and thought nothing of his self-hatred. He was reluctant to say anything at first but after a while he'd begun to speak faster and faster until finally he was speaking in incoherent fragments that made sense only to himself.

"No, no, keep going! You mentioned something about symptoms?" Haruhi exclaimed in an attempt to keep him talking. She heard him sigh and waited while he collected his thoughts.

"I was thinking that I'm basically a textbook example of abuse. I looked up the physiological effects once and it turns out I have a lot of the normal symptoms," he said, sounding as if he was admitting some great crime.

Haruhi waited for him to continue speaking but he didn't say anything more. "Well, go on," she prompted, "what symptoms do you mean?"

"I used to have nightmares, I stopped trusting people, I was never able to eat…" His voice trailed off as he thought about all that had happened. "I started becoming dependent on those painkillers. And, I suppose you're right about one thing, I did actually develop an inferiority complex and believed I deserved it."

She'd finally gotten through to him. He was starting to see how his external conflicts were destroying his internal serenity. She was just going to have to push it.

"You're finally getting it. Now tell me where it all stems from."

"The," he mentally choked on the words, "abuse."

She asked him whose fault the abuse was and he struggled with the urge to blame himself. Finally, after about ten seconds of silence he managed to say it: "My father's. He lost control and became unreasonable."

He materialized before her, fully tangible again. Haruhi stared at him with a hint of annoyance as she realized that he was sitting, not looking at her, with his glasses hiding his eyes. She reached our and touched his arm gently. His wings fluttered a bit behind him as he met her eyes. His eyes— the one true extension of his soul— were hollow.

"Now look me. Look me in the eyes and tell me that it's not your fault." Her voice shook a bit as she stared into the dark pools of sadness. He saw nothing but understanding and love in her eyes. She was perfectly sincere and it made him want to say what she wanted to hear.

"A reckless driver killed my mother. It was her decision to come to my concert and she did so because she loved me." His voice was steady for he knew he was speaking the truth. "I loved her, too. When she died, my father reacted unreasonably. He was grief-stricken and he dealt with his feelings by hurting me."

Haruhi smiled warmly at him and he couldn't help but smile a bit, too. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it encouragingly. He knew what she wanted him to say.

_Say it now if you believe it._ Kyouya thought to himself. _If you truly trust what Haruhi is saying, say it. If you know she's right say it._

He didn't say it.

"It's been too long. I've heard it for so long... I can't just stop blaming myself. I can't stop believing that I deserved it," he said brokenly. She sighed sadly and wrapped her arms around him.

At least he was honest.

"I'm fine, Haruhi. Get off me," he grumbled into her hair.

"I know you are, but sometimes people need a hug and they don't know it," she said as she ran her slim fingers across one of his word-scars.

Blame.

It was a strange word to have formed a scar. In itself it was not an insult— it wasn't even an adjective— and yet the very idea of blame was clearly something that hurt him deeply. Outside his family and closest friends, he seemed completely indifferent to their suffering, but when it came to the few people he truly cared about, he would do anything to keep them from getting hurt, and if they did get hurt, he would hate himself. These feelings only intensified when people told him that things were his fault. Even jokes were taken to heart if they were from his loved ones.

He stayed in her arms for a long moment before finally pulling away.

"Haruhi!" a voice called from the front of the library. "I'm back!"

"Coming!" Haruhi called back. She stood and turned to help Kyouya to his feet only to find him standing before her.

"I'm leaving. I'll be back soon enough," he said softly. She gave him a small smile which he didn't return and ran off calling loudly to Miwako Kobayashi.

He stared after her for a long moment before deciding to head back to Heaven. _Even if I can't go in it'd still be nice to sit outside for a bit. It's late anyway. I might as well watch the sunset since it should be setting soon. _He hoped that he could make himself invisible and intangible as he strolled the rows of books. He heard Haruhi say goodbye to the older woman and wasn't surprised that the lights clicked off a few minutes latter. He sighed as he heard singing reverberating throughout the library as Miwako Kobayshi went about her daily close-down routine.

HYPERLINK ".com/watch?v=TM1h9yE2ijE&feature=channel" .com/watch?v=TM1h9yE2ijE&feature=channel

His mind barely registered how strange it was to hear someone singing for no reason. He only had ears for her music.

_Wake up, wake up little sparrow_

_Don't make your home out in the snow_

_Don't make your home out in the snow_

_Little bird, oh don't you know_

_Your friends flew south many months ago_

_Your friends flew south many months ago_

_You're just a babe, you cannot fly,_

_Your wings won't spread up against the sky_

_Your wings won't spread up against the sky_

_Wake up, wake up little sparrow_

_Don't make your home out in the snow_

_Don't make your home out in the snow_

_Don't make your home out in the snow_

Her voice was breathtakingly beautiful and it brought tears to his eyes. Music always had a special way of reaching him. It always hit him hard on a very personal level. It would wrap around his mind and tug at his thoughts and tell him, 'Take a good look at yourself, Kyouya. You don't like what you see do you?'

_I can't go on like this. Maybe it's time I let things go. What good will holding on to bad thoughts do?_

It was like two halves of his mind were at war. One part of him knew that Haruhi was right and that he shouldn't blame himself but the other half couldn't let go of his guilt. He could feel it deep in every pore of his body. He knew what he'd been missing out on. He tried so hard to hide a secret that eventually killed him and in the process of taking his own life he'd lost precious time with the people who loved him.

He'd shrugged away love and safety for cold, unfeeling walls of ice. _I've been cheating myself all this time. I've been suffering for no reason. Now I know what I have to do._


	17. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

The wind kicked up as Haruhi walked home. She was happy that Kyouya had finally made a true breakthrough. He'd finally admitted how wrong his father's actions were. He'd opened up about himself and he'd let her see the real him. He'd gotten down to the root of his problem and Haruhi knew that all it would take was one push to make him understand.

One moment in time.

One grain of sand.

One glance.

One spark in a fire.

One word.

One song.

She knew he would make it to heaven. _The best thing for him, at least at the moment, would be to show me his mother's death. But I guess he won't show me that until something pushes him over the edge. _Little did she know he'd already been pushed over the edge. Little did she know he was trying to catch up to her, flying after her at full speed, wondering which way she'd gone. Little did she know he was ready to show her his most personal memory. The clouds overhead were dark and foreboding, cast in slate and grey. The wind was howling even harder and the clouds were gathering together into a mass of grey, ready to swallow all the light. She paced quietly towards her house with short, measured steps. Her cheeks turned a rosy pink from the cold and her brown hair blew about her face. When she finally reached her apartment she felt someone brush her shoulder.

"Kyo—"

He shushed her and ran his slim fingers across her shoulder again, gently forcing her forward into her home. She felt him tug at her coat as he became tangible again. He urged her to hurry and sit down already. She sat, legs crossed at the ankles, and smiled warily at him. She was surprised by his sudden change of heart but it was clear he was ready to make a huge change. As he stood in front of her, glasses askew, hair a mess, toga slipping off his shoulder, with a serious expression, she fought back an urge to hug him close. _He's one of my best friends and I hate seeing him like this, but at the same time, I know it will help him in the long run. _

Finally he began to speak and pace around the room.

"When I was younger, near the end of my middle school years, I had a concert. I was to have a solo and, of course, my mother and sister were ecstatic. They wanted to come see me play. At the time Fyumi had been in the middle of her wedding plans and so she was unable to see me. This was a blessing in disguise because her wedding probably saved her life. However, my mother wouldn't be swayed." His slow speech came to an end as his memory came into reality.

.com/watch?v=kUtFEKhtB30

...

Kyouya stood in the parlor of Ohtori Manor holding his music in one hand and his violin in the other. It was very dark and the entire room was in shadow except for a small patch of light— which he stood in. He turned slowly to face the parlor door, as the light spilled from the hall beyond the closed door. It filtered through beneath in the miniscule space between door and tile and left drops and patches of cool, glowing light in its wake. He heard a sweet, melodious voice call his name.

"I'm here, Mother. I'm in the parlor," he called back. The moonlight hit his glasses and made them glare. His ivory skin seemed to glow and his sharp features cast shadows across his cheeks. He looked more like a ghost than a child. The door swung open and he was temporarily blinded. His mother's slim silhouette was the only thing clear in his fuzzy mind.

"What are you doing alone in the dark? It's almost time for your concert," she chided. As his vision cleared, he noted her pale pink dress and how her long curly brown hair was swept up into an elegant half-up-half-down bun with stray curls cascading down her shoulders. She looked like an angel.

"Mom," he began sighing slightly, "You don't need to come. It's not important."

She frowned at him and put her hands on her hips. "Why do you say that?"

Kyouya shifted slightly from foot to foot. "Father wanted you to go to Mrs. Shiratori's party tonight. That's more important because there's merit in it. Coming to my concert won't help you."

He reached up and adjusted his glasses. They flashed a bit. Suddenly the patch of light he'd been standing in disappeared completely as the moon was hidden by a cloud. His mother offered him her hand as he walked towards her.

"Don't you mind what he says about me. You listen to what he says but remember to be yourself, ok?" she said as she took his hand and pulled him towards the front door. "I love you, so I'm coming to your concert. I won't let anyone tell me otherwise. That includes you, too."

Kyouya nodded but continued to argue about her going against his father as they approached the car. Finally she turned and looked at him sharply. "I'm not afraid of your father and I won't allow you to fear him, either. Now we're going to go to your concert and I'm going to sit in the front row."

He smiled a bit to himself and opened the door for her. She stepped in and tugged him in beside her. He sat on the edge of his seat, rosining his bow and shaking his head occasionally. He fingered his bow gently and looked at his mother with slight smile.

"Thanks for caring," he said quietly. She scooted closer and hugged him.

"Everything I do, I do for you and your brothers and sister."

SKREECH! BAM!!!

Kyouya screamed as he was thrown headlong into the wall of the car. His glasses shattered against his face and he cried out again. He felt his leg being shredded by chunks of metal and glass as the car spun around and around from the force of the impact. He heard the sound of metal on metal screeching like an out-of-tune violin. His hands were numb and he could see splashes of red through his blurry vision. He was terrified.

He couldn't hear his mom.

He dragged himself up and squinted at the scene before him. Everything was a blur of red and black. He could feel something cold beneath his fingers. He looked up and felt something small land on his nose. It was snowing, he looked down at the snowy ground and saw the splashes of blood.

"Mom?" he called, trying to crawl back towards the remainder of the car.

"I'm so sorry!" he heard someone call.

"Mom! Are you ok!? Mom answer me!" He turned his fiery gaze to the man who'd caused the car accident. "Get me an ambulance! NOW!"

Strong hands tried to pull him away and he snapped for their owner to 'get the fuck away'. He continued his trek towards the car and eventually found himself atop the remainder of the seat he'd been sitting in. He looked around, cursing his limited eyesight, and called repeatedly for his mother. It wasn't until he felt soft flesh beneath his fingers did he see her. She was slashed to pieces and her legs were bent at awkward angles. Her right arm was completely gone and blood was spilling down her sides. Her face was horribly cut up and blood was spilling from an enormous gash in her head. Blood stained her beautiful hair. He was repulsed but he couldn't stay away.

"Mom!" he sobbed, clutching her closer and burying his head against her shoulder. Her blood ran down his body as he held her and cried. He knew he wouldn't be able to forgive himself.

...

Kyouya dropped to the couch beside Haruhi, buried his head in his hands, and cried quietly. _I want it to be over... I want to let go... I want to go to heaven and see my mom and become Tamaki's guardian angel._ He let a sob escape his lips as his friend wrapped her arms around him.

"It's ok. It's ok. It's ok," she whispered repeatedly. She could feel him shaking beneath her fingers. _He's really, really upset. He's never like this._ _I can't believe he went through something like that. Seeing... it must have been traumatizing._

His trembling continued for several minutes as he mumbled apologies into his fists. He never specifically mentioned what he was sorry for. He was making a blanket apology for everything. He was sorry for letting Haruhi see him cry. Sorry that he never really thanked Tachibana. Sorry that his mother had wanted to come to his concert. Sorry for not being 'good enough' for his father. Sorry for leaving his best friend to deal with his funeral. Sorry for everything.

"Kyouya, please, tell me, do you still blame yourself?" Haruhi said softly. _If he says it he'll feel better. I know he will. Come on, Kyouya_—_ just say it!_

"No!" He cried, jerking away from her grip. "It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. It _wasn't _my fault."

Tears streamed down his ivory-colored cheeks and he shook his head. He sobbed loudly and choked out a few words. "The other driver caused this. It's all his fault! Not mine!"

He felt so relieved to finally say it. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Haruhi grabbed his wrists and pulled him close. She hugged him fiercely and started to cry as well.

"You did it."

"I know."

"How do you feel?"

"Angry."

"Why?"

"I realized that I basically committed suicide by keeping quiet."

"It's ok. You'll be happier now."

"You won't. I'm not coming back."

"We'll live."

"Haruhi."

"Kyouya."

They stayed like that for almost an hour. Just sitting and letting everything sink in. Gradually things began to calm down.

Haruhi stopped crying.

Kyouya stopped crying.

They just stayed like that, wrapped comfortably in each others arms until finally Kyouya spoke.

"It's time I leave. I want to go to heaven," he whispered. Haruhi pulled away and smiled at him.

"We love you; all of us," she said.

He stood and Haruhi noticed something, "Your scars are gone. So are the chains."

He looked down at himself and saw that she was right. He smiled and told her that he was happy. He walked to the door of the apartment as he faded from her sight and stepped out into the twilight.

"Goodbye. Thank you for everything, Haruhi."

"Goodbye."

He spread his wings as he leapt into the air and took off flying. He was so happy to have finally let go. _I'm free_—_ finally._ He ran a hair through his hair as he flew, laughing to himself. He flew straight up at the clouds that would soon be his home. The fabric of his toga flapped around him wildly and he smirked as a bit of golden thread was torn from the seam. He grabbed it with one hand and set his sights on heaven.

"Kyouya!" Alice called to him from the edge of the cloud where he previously slept. He landed at her side and she hugged him. "Your scars are gone! You're over it now!"

He clutched the thread in his hands tighter and stayed stiff beneath her hands. He nodded once and tried to pull away. She squealed loudly about how handsome he was and began pulling him towards the gate.

"Wait," he said, yanking free from her grasp. "I need to do something first."

He turned to the clouds edge and removed his glasses. He plucked a feather from his wing and tied them together with the thread from his toga. The wind kicked up again, this time bringing snow, and he shivered. He took the bundle and dropped it from the cloud.


	18. Chapter 17

Chapter 18

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Yoshio Ohtori stood in the cold outside the shady hotel he'd been staying at. It was just beginning to snow and everything was quiet. No one dared to brave the snow and the cold, which left the older man alone waiting for his limo. He shivered. Everything was beginning to crash down on him. He killed his youngest son. He'd run away from the people trying to capture him. He was having said son buried away from the family plot. He was leaving his company in the hands of his oldest son so that he could hide from the law.

He _killed_ his youngest son.

He felt awful. Yoshio Ohtori was never a religious man but in that one moment he knew he was going to hell. He was washed away by a sea of regret and mistakes. He was drowning. He only wished there was some way he could know his son was safe in heaven.

He stared up at the sky and watched as the snow fell; it was dark and the flakes were illuminated by streetlights, causing them to glow orange. It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Had he remembered how to cry, he would have.

But he couldn't. He'd forgotten how.

Just then something fell down from the sky and landed in front of him. It was a pair of glasses, a thread, and a feather. He picked the bundle up and noted that the glasses had cracked upon impact. He stared hard at them. _My son... his glasses._

He looked up at the sky again and started trembling. "Kyouya... I'm so sorry."

His driver appeared as he said those words and opened the door to the sleek limo. He stepped in and sighed with resignation. "Take me to the nearest police station."

He clutched the glasses like a lifeline.

...

Kyouya turned away from the cloud, oblivious to what he'd just done, and began walking to the gates of heaven. Alice stood at his side with a content smile on her face.

Kyouya's eyes narrowed, "I'm coming, Mom."


End file.
